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A Battle With Loneliness. by Musouka

Chapter 1- Feeling My Pain

A Battle With Loneliness.

Summary- 4 years of heart ache, 6 months of wanting to die, 4 years of looking for the forsaken jewel and this is what happens. Everyone with there own partner and me still alone. 4 years of putting my life on the line for those I love yet and still I get nothing in return. 4 years of getting the short end of the spoon and I'm so tired of it. Is there anybody else who is just as lonely as me?

Chapter 1- Feel My Pain

I climbed out of the well bringing my black bag with me. I had finally retired the yellow pack I had been carrying at the beginning of my journey. I walked towards Keade's village slowly but at a quick pace. I wanted to get to the rest of my group but then again I didn't. I mean yes I loved my group and most of its occupants, but at the same time I wanted a change and I wanted to get away from the pain of being alone. Sure I had Shippo, but he loved me as a mother not as a lover. I wanted someone to finally see me for Kagome, not Kikyo's reincarnation, or the keeper of the jewel, but as Kagome. Kagome Higurashi the 18 year old girl whose body yearned to be touch and whose heart deserved to be loved, not broken. I walked into the hunt to see that only Inuyasha and Kikyo were the only ones still sleeping in each others embraces. 6 months ago this would have broken my heart, but now it didnt faze me. I was over Inuyasha and I realized that he was never going to love me as much as I loved him. I still disliked Kikyo even though we had talked and she had taught me how to train my miko powers I still didnt like the witch! I knew that she was turning tricks and soon enough would show us her true colors and true intentions when the finally battle came along I had feeling that she couldnt be trust. I kept my guard up at all times when it came to dealing with her. Regardless if what we were doing I didnt trust her and she didnt like me. I sat my pack down and took a seat in front of the fire that was burning. I pulled out my ipod mini and my journal and began to write and listen to The Fray.

Dear Journal,

Hmmm ... What to say what to say ... Well the trip back home was fun. Momma, Souta, and Grandpa took me out for my birthday and we all went shopping. I GOT A NEW PACK! Its so pretty. Its navy blue almost black and its smaller then my yellow back but it still holds the same amount only things it has more pockets and compartments. Well no one in the feudal era knows that today is my birthday and I dont think I'm going to say anything. I dont really want to have a party with them ... Our poor group is drifting apart. With Sango and Miroku planning their wedding, Kikyo and Inuyasha claiming that they were in 'love' and Shippo was being taught how to use his Kitsune powers by Kuro none of us really had a chance to spend time with each to other. I dont really mind it though it gives me time to think and wonder. Uh Inuyasha and Kikyo are up and their calling me all kind of obscene names but I'm really not payin them too much attention, so the names dont faze me. Great they left ... probably to rut some more ... LOL ... Its sooo nasty! I mean how can you have sex with dirt on top of dirt. Its ewwww ... my stomach is turning just thinking about it. Anyways I have been thinking about the final battle ... I know that its about to come in a weeks top and it feels as if Naraku is coming to us. I'm nervous but then I'm not I just want my friends to be okay and if I get pushed back into the future I wont cry because my friends will be better off without me. Well I'm done wallowing in my self pity I think I'm going to go soak for a little bit. Bye Bye Journal

-End-

I closed my journal and placed it back in my bag along with my ipod. I pulled out my toiletries and a new pair of undergarments and clothing. I grabbed my things and headed towards the spring. About half way there I heard strange noises and of course being the curious person I am I followed them. Uh something I shouldnt have done. There laid Inuyasha and Kikyo having sex. They were doing it doggie style and must I say it was rather disgusting. From the looks of it Inuyasha wasnt enjoying it too much while Kikyo yelled and moaned. I stood there a little bit longer before noticing that Inuyasha was staring at me. I just smiled and walked away. It didnt hurt anymore my heart had been broken into tiny pieces that so little scenes like that just made my stomach hurt. I continued my walk towards the hot spring and once I was there I took off my clothing and stepped in. I swam around for a little bit before taking a seat on a smooth rock and closed my eyes.

~*~

I was out patrolling my lands since many of my villages had been attack my uncivilized demons. I sneered at how the lower class demons of the world killed as if it was a sport, even I Lord Sesshomaru didnt kill just for the hell of it. I always had a reason, a honorable reason at that. I continued looking for these demons that had been defiling my lands and found none, and as soon as decided to turn around and head back to the castle a smell caught my attention. It as calming and soothing yet spicy at the same time. I followed the scent until I reached a hot spring and noticed that the smell was coming from Inuyasha shard detector Kagome. She turned around and faced me as she began to bathe in the spring. I watched her with clouded judgement. Part of me wanted to take her on the spring and bring her back to the Western Castle to become my concubine, yet another part of me wished that I left before she noticed my presence. Just as I was about to leave her she rinsed her body and got out of the hot spring. Water dripped from her short hair down her long neck, broad but feminine shoulders towards her medium sized breast down her smooth and tight stomach continuing down her long and muscular yet soft legs and ending in between her thighs were her precious jewel laid. I had to stop myself from growling when my member tightened in my pants.

'Take her'

'This Sesshomaru will not'

'Why not she is powerful, sexy, feisty, and will surely put up a nice battle in bed'

'No I will not fall like my father and that unworthy hanyou'

'Its not like she will be the death of u'

'And if she is'

'You'll die a happy demon'

My demons laughter soon began to fill my head and I growled at it. I'm guessing I growled rather loudly since the miko stopped clothing herself and looked around the clearing trying to see if there was another watching her. I stiffened and waited. She then continue to put on her clothing. She pulled on her undergarments and them some white creamy material that she applied to ever piece of her body that wasnt covered. She then pulled on some type pants that weren't made from materials that I had ever seen before. After her lower half was covered she put on a red shirt that showed some cleavage, it still was decent compared to the green and white suit she use to wear. I watched her gather her toiletries and headed back towards the camp. I watched her the rest of the day seeing how she was some what the odd ball out in her group. I watched as Kikyo and Inuyasha called her awful names that didnt seem to bother her and then the way she acted as if she was the kits mother. Then there was the demon slayer and the monk. They showed small affections towards each other and treated the miko with respect. Then there was the old miko who reeked of death. Her time was almost up and she knew it. Then the red haired Kitsune showed up. From the looks of it he had some what of a crush on Kagome which she seemed not to noticed. I found out as the day progressed that his name was Kuro. Soon the day turned to night and while everyone was preparing for bed the miko headed out and towards the forest.

~*~

Today was uneventful. Inuyasha and Kikyo's idle threats. Shippo entertaining me with his training. Sango and Miroku talking about the wedding, Kuro coming on to me and Keade slowly passing before my eyes. I sighed as I walked towards a clearing to watch the night sky. It was a crescent moon and it made me think of Inuyasha's older brother. I wondered how he, Rin and that evil toad Jaken had been. It had been a few months since he and Inuyasha had come to a truce until Naraku was defeated. I knew that his defeat or ours was soon and I just wanted to get it over with. I was tired of the same routine. With no more jewels to collect sitting around the village was getting rather old. I just wanted Naraku to come out of hiding so that we could put him out of his misery or he do the same to us. I didnt want to die but I knew that there was a possibility that I was going to during the final battle. At first death scared me, but after spending the last 6 months with Kikyo and Inuyasha I knew that death was only better than the hell I was facing on earth. Anyways back to Sesshomaru I wanted to see him, talk to him, see him smile, laugh and be less tense and more caring. I wished to know what made him the Ice Prince and what I could do to help chip off the ice. I knew that Rin was doing her best trying to get rid of the block, but like me he needed love from another not someone who looked at you as a guardian or a parental figure. I sighed and laid across the forest floor watching the stars and the moon. I closed my eyes and imagined myself sitting on a star watching my friend live their lives without me. I felt tears burn the back of my eye lids and fall from my closed eyes.

"Why do you cry miko?" I heard a silky yet husky voice I opened my eyes to be face to face with Sesshomaru.

"What?" I said out of confusion and fear

"I will not repeat myself and there is no reason to be afraid I have not come here to hurt you"

"Ummm you asked why I'm crying right"

"Hn"

"I'm crying because I believe that my friends are better off without. I feel like a burden. Not like weak burden but a burden that has no place to go. Each of my friends has someone to love and cherish them. Sango has Miroku, Shippo has Kuro, Inuyasha has the dirt bag and I have no one. I dont even belong in this time, but even in my time I have nobody to cherish me'

"Miko why do you feel that you need someone?"

"Because I want to experience love and keep it"

"Love is a weak human emotion"

"I dont believe thats true. Rin loves you like a daughter would love her father, the toad Jaken loves you to a fault. He would die for you. I bet your mother loved Toga and Toga loved your mother. I even bet Toga loved Inuyasha mother Izyaoi. He loved both of the women in his life even if it was adultery." Next thing I knew I was being strangled by his mighty claws. I didnt fight back I just let him cut off my oxygen. I looked him in the eyes and waited for him to kill me and put me out my misery before Naraku did. What surprised me was when he let me go. I gasped for air like a fish out of water and then looked at him.

"What the hell was that for?"

"Dont worry about it Miko you didnt fight back"

"You expected me to. I just told you in that my life means nothing since I have no one to cherish me."

"Your friends would miss you"

"Yeah for like a few days. After a while my memory will be washed from their minds"

"Do you really think that no one would miss you miko?"

"Yes Sesshomaru-sama I think that"

"This Sesshomaru thinks your wrong"

"Really now thats a surprise. You think anybody and everybody is wrong"

"Miko if I were you I would hold your tongue"

"Why if you wanted to kill me you would have already done it"

" "

"Exactly" I smiled thinking about how I was able to stop Sesshomaru from winning a verbal battle.

"Miko what are you smiling about?"

"I beat you"

"You did not"

"Yes I did. I gave a answer and you couldnt find a comeback. So I beat you"

"Hn"

"Ha I won again" I laughed out loud this time, and looked up at Sesshomaru. He was standing above me looking down on me. "Sesshomaru sit down. Im tired of looking up at you"

"Fine" He then gracefully sat down beside me and then the clearing was silent. I thought of something to say that wouldnt be too personally, but not uneducated at the same time. When I finally came up with a question I asked it.

"Sesshomaru why do you hate Inuyasha so much?"

"This Sesshomaru does not hate the half breed this Sesshomaru hates what he stands for he is an abomination"

"Inuyasha is not an abomination he is unique. Naraku is an abomination"

"They are the same"

"No they are not. Naraku is power driven, while Inuyasha just wants somebody to understand him and not judge him for what he is. Have you ever wanted understanding Sesshomaru?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever wanted somebody to love you because you are Sesshomaru not because you are powerful or rich or because they were told they should love you but because they actually want to?"

"No, this Sesshomaru does not need those type of people in his life"

"Oh" Damn that hurt. I mean how could you not want somebody like that in your life? It was silent once again, I found myself leaning towards Sesshomaru he tensed at the contact but then relaxed, I started to fall asleep but was awoken by Sesshomaru.

"Miko?"

"Hmmm?"

"Get up, my brother is approaching"

"Aww great more hateful things for him to say to me"

"Do you wish for me to stay"

"No you can leave. I'll deal with Inuyasha myself. Thank you"

"For what"

"For listening to me ramble on about things that do not pertain to you"

"Hn, You are welcome I guess. Miko I will meet you out here tomorrow same time"

"Okay. Bye Sesshomaru"

I stood up and dusted myself waiting for Inuyasha to arrive in the clearing, within seconds Inuyasha appeared before me.

"Where is he wench?" Inuyasha asked with his sword drawn.

"Who?"

"Sesshomaru"

"He left"

"What were you doing out here with him? You better not be sleeping with him"

"And if I was it would be none of your business"

"Like hell it wouldnt"

"Inuyasha you have Kikyo you shouldnt worry about what I do. She is your woman, your mate. I'm not. I'm not even a friend to you anymore am I?"

"Kagome-"

'No Inuyasha let me finish ever since Kikyo join this group all you do is call me names, and mentally abuse me. Do you know how many times I have thought about killing myself just to get away from you! I have no one! My family barely knows me the friends I did have in the future have gone on with there lives and the friends I have here are to busy to be with me. I have no one! I thought that even with Kikyo joining this group I would still have your friendship and your brotherly love but I dont even have that! I get called bitch, wench, worthless, whore, slut, and many others every day but never Kagome. You never show me the affections you use to. I dont even get a smile anymore! I hate it and I would say I hate you but I cant! Damnit Inuyasha once the jewel is finished regardless what happens I want you to make your wish and never look for me again. I think we have the rest of this week to prepare before Naraku attacks and I hope I dont make it. I hope I die. So that I can no longer be lonely and by myself." He stood there and looked at me. I could see the hurt, and the pain that I had caused but I didnt care. It was time for him to feel my pain. I brushed passed him and walked back into camp not looking back. I changed into my pajama's and cuddled into my sleeping bag. Thinking of the one person that was as lonely as I.

Sesshomaru ...

~*~

I listened to what the miko told the hanyou and I felt bad. For the first time in centuries I felt bad. The hanyou didnt deserve her hateful but truthful words. The hanyou had thrown their friendship away to be with the dead miko and the living miko was left alone to pick up her own pieces. I watched Inuyasha seethe his Tetsusaiga and take a seat on the ground with tears in his eyes. They feel down his face in a fast pace and just as quick as they were falling they disappeared. I watched him get up from his spot and head back towards his pack, and instead of sleeping with the dead miko he slept in the tree that he had been bonded to 4 years prior.

-End-

Well I Hope You Enjoyed The First Chapter ... Please Leave Creative Criticism ... I Know That My Grammar and Spelling Maybe Bad, But I Try My Best ... Rate And Review Please and Thank You ... Goodbye!

INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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