Beliefs by Himura Asami
Useless Sentimentality
The Shikon no Tama Challenge: Sakimitama/Love
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Disclaimer: I don’t own anything.
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Sesshomaru believed in love– to an extent. He believed that it existed, and that was about it. Otherwise, he thought it was a stupid, useless emotion that led idiots to do idiotic things that even they knew they shouldn’t do. It was pointless and foolish and downright disturbing in theory. It was selfish and the motive for all sorts of horrors that even he wouldn’t commit. (Well, he might commit them, but not because he was in love). Love was asinine– and he hadn’t even begun to talk about the different types of classifications of stupid for the different types of classifications of love. The fact of the matter was this: Sesshomaru believed love existed, but wished it didn’t.
But he couldn’t even believe that in peace! No! The stupid miko had to go and mess things up again, smiling that stupid, knowing smile that he (probably) absolutely abhorred. He wished she would just go and bother someone else with her stupid, irrational, but somehow sensible ideals.
Well… he didn’t actually wish that, but it sounded nice in theory.
He had been with his half-brother’s pack for quite a while now, at least three months. They were experiencing a peaceful period in their travels and they had all gone back to the village of his half-brother’s dead miko.
He was sitting under a tree– the same tree under which he had summoned the Un-mother, if he remembered correctly– and there was no doubt he did. Rin was in the village, and Jaken was with her. He had opted out of staying in the small town; there had been too many humans.
He had been anticipating (as much as he was able to anticipate anything besides killing or maiming someone) some time alone. That was ruined when the miko decided to join him. Of course.
“Sesshomaru! What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
She stood in front of him, head cocked, hands behind her back, rocking on her heels. It was a sickeningly familiar pose that he knew meant he would get none of the peace he wished for.
Sesshomaru stared at her blankly.
She smiled that stupid smile, and he was hard-pressed not to growl at the uncomfortable feeling it produced inside of him. He really hated that smile. Probably.
“You wanted to get away from the village, right? Do you mind if I join you?”
Sesshomaru didn’t say anything, knowing that she would join him no matter what. She, predictably, fulfilled his expectation.
Sitting down beside him, she grinned. “We’re getting close to the final battle. There are only a few more jewel shards to collect, excluding the ones Koga and Kohaku have. Of course, getting those will be difficult too. Koga might not be willing to give them up without a fight, and Sango’s attachment to Kohaku will make things harder.”
Sesshomaru listened to her ramble on and on, bearing the loss of silence with the air of one who had experience the aforementioned loss too many times to actually be bothered.
Kagome sighed. “I wonder what it’s going to be like once we get rid of Naraku.”
“You are so sure of winning?”
“Of course! Aren’t you?”
“Yes, but it is likely one of your pack will die in the battle.”
Kagome rolled her eyes dismissively. “Nobody is dying on my watch. I won’t allow it.”
Sesshomaru cocked an eyebrow, but didn’t respond verbally.
After a brief pause, Kagome spoke again, her voice soft. “What are you going to do after Naraku, Sesshomaru? Have you thought about it? You’ll take Rin and go back to the West, right?”
If Sesshomaru hadn’t been so focused on finding out why the idea of going back to his lands was so unappealing to him, he might have noticed how sad Kagome sounded.
“Hnn.”
Kagome sighed. “I’ll miss you guys. You’ll have to promise to come and visit.”
“You are staying here?” Sesshomaru inquired, thoroughly surprised.
He knew that she came from the future, and he had assumed that she would go back to her time period after Naraku had been defeated. The idea that she would be staying in this time was unexpected, but… not unacceptable.
Kagome nodded. “Yeah! I’ve got more keeping me here than in the future. I mean, I don’t know if I’d be able to survive without Shippo, and Rin, and the others.”
“Inuyasha in particular,” Sesshomaru said, after which he inwardly berated himself on the sharpness of his tone. His control and indifference were waning, and though he was used to the occurrence after spending so much time in the company of the woman who caused the lapse, he didn’t even know how she caused it. And that annoyed him.
Kagome looked at him with a scowl. “Why do you say that?”
“You are in love with him, are you not?” He didn’t even attempt to keep from sounding like he was mocking her.
Kagome flushed angrily. “It’s none of your business if I’m in love with him or not!” she snapped. “And why do you make it sound like a bad thing?”
“Love is foolish. A form of sentimentality that only results in pain and death.”
Kagome scoffed. “Really, now? I guess that makes you a soon-to-be-dead fool then.”
Sesshomaru glared at her, not at all pleased with the insinuation that subconsciously struck a little too close to home. “Explain.”
“Well, you love Rin, don’t you? Or would you deny how much she means to you? Are you going to keep saying love is foolish– calling yourself foolish– for loving that little girl?”
Sesshomaru faltered inwardly, while outwardly continuing to glare. He would admit to himself that he cared for Rin; he cared for her more than he liked. That was fine. It was something he could accept. But he wasn’t going to tell the miko that! He absolutely refused to let her win this argument. He couldn’t let her! He wouldn’t!
“Well?”
“You misunderstand, as expected,” Sesshomaru said coolly, purposefully riling her up while manipulating the argument in his favor.
“Do I?” She asked, raising her voice.
“Indeed. It is the sort of love you possess for the half-breed that is foolish.”
“And what sort of love do I possess for him?” Kagome forced out through her gritted teeth.
“You hold romantic feelings for him. Those feelings are foolish, worthless, and irrational.”
“Hold on! Let me get this straight: you’re saying that romantic love is stupid?”
“Yes.”
Kagome opened her mouth before closing it. She took a deep breath before speaking. “You’re an idiot.”
Sesshomaru growled.
“Don’t growl at me!” Kagome yelled. “You are an idiot, because you think romantic love is stupid!”
“How so?” Sesshomaru questioned coldly.
“Because there isn’t anything stupid about romantic love!” Kagome shouted, standing up and stomping her foot.
“Romantic love, the love between a man and a woman, there’s something so special about it.” Her voice had gone soft and there was a faraway look in her eyes. “It’s just… when it’s real love, not something fake like your first crush or an infatuation, it’s so beautiful. It’s all encompassing but not obsessive. And it’s unconditional. Love doesn’t cover flaws or ignore them; it embraces them. And love is warm. When you’re scared– not that you’d ever be scared– it takes away your fears. It comforts you. It keeps you safe. It protects you. Of course, it hurts sometimes, too. It’s dangerous. More dangerous than Naraku even.”
Sesshomaru’s voice, surprisingly enough, wasn’t mocking. “More dangerous than this Sesshomaru?”
Kagome, who had turned around during her monologue, looked over her shoulder. Her startling blue eyes looked with Sesshomaru’s gold ones, and there was something in their depths that made Sesshomaru believe she was wrong; that perhaps he could be scared.
Kagome let out a soft laugh and turned back around. “Nothing is more dangerous than you, Sesshomaru.”
For some reason, her whispered admittance of his dangerous nature made Sesshomaru think she meant more than she was actually saying.
Before he could say anything, if he would have actually said anything, Kagome turned around.
“That’s not the point, though. The point is, love is the most amazing thing in the world. And no matter what, it’s always worth it. Always.”
The two stared at each other for some time, both with bated breath.
Sesshomaru wondered if she was waiting for him to admit he had been flawed in his thinking. He wondered himself if he was going to. What she had said…
“That is what you feel about the half-breed?”
Kagome stared at him, blinking repeatedly. Inwardly, Sesshomaru cursed. What had possessed him to say that? Perhaps it was the painful twisting going on in an area that Sesshomaru refused to even think about identifying. Yes. That was probably why.
Kagome blinked again. “Inuyasha?” she whispered. “You think that I- Inuyasha and I- that I!”
Kagome began to laugh, making a minute scowl appear on Sesshomaru’s face.
“What amuses you?”
Kagome stared at him, smiling widely. “That you think I love Inuyasha like that! When you suggested that I had romantic feelings for him, I didn’t think you… No. Just, no. I don’t feel that way about him, and I never did. I do love him, but it’s a different type of love, more familial. And though I did love him once, that was more of a crush. No, Sesshomaru. That’s not how I feel about Inuyasha.”
Sesshomaru ignored how her words made the twisting in the “unidentified” area disappear. “And yet,” he said, “you speak of love as though from experience. If it is not this one’s half brother who you love that way, then who?”
The twisting was back with a vengeance. Sesshomaru ignored it, standing so that he could look down on the miko.
Kagome’s mouth dropped as she was forced to look up at Sesshomaru. “Who?” she squeaked.
“Who?” Sesshomaru repeated.
Kagome gaped, her face instantly turning crimson. “Who? Th- that’s none of your business! Don’t ask me that! Why am I even talking about this with you! You- you! Gah!”
Kagome put her hands to her cheeks and looked down.
“Your reaction is puzzling. It stands to reason that you love someone this Sesshomaru knows if you are hesitant to say. The monk?” Sesshomaru asked, unreasonably tense.
Why was he so tense?
Kagome’s eyes widened. “What? What? No! Never! He’s like a brother to me! And he and Sango-! No!”
“Then perhaps the wolf,” he proposed stepping closer, his lips lifting into a snarl and the twisting pain increasing in intensity as he though of the pathetic excuse for a canine youkai.
Kagome drew back. “Koga? As if! I could never love Koga like that! Ever!”
“Hn. Who?”
Kagome flushed further, her already red face darkening in color. “Like I said, it’s none of your business! Why do you even want to know so bad, huh?” she asked, glaring up at him and poking his breastplate with her index finger for effect.
Sesshomaru blinked. Why did he want to know? What did it matter to him?
He couldn’t say– wouldn’t say. He refused to even think of why he cared so much about finding out who it was that the miko loved. Maybe he just wanted someone to kill?
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Yes. That sounded about right.
Deciding that he’d find out this person’s identity later when the miko was a bit more vulnerable– because he also decided that he was not above using her emotional turmoil to his advantage if it meant he could kill whomever this unnamed male was– Sesshomaru walked off.
Leaving Kagome to gape.
“Hey!” she yelled. “I- I wasn’t finished with you, you jerk! Who do you think you are, prying into my business like that? Sesshomaru! Come back here this instant!”
Sesshomaru kept walking. He wasn’t going to bother with her just yet. He was going to wait until he had the blood of her lover flowing through his claws. And until the infuriating twisting in his chest stopped. Then, maybe he would talk to her, and possibly admit that what she had been saying about love had struck a few cords. Maybe.
The miko was positively infuriating. He didn’t want to think that maybe love wasn’t as idiotic as he thought it was. She didn’t have the right to make him question how he felt about love, what he thought it was. She didn’t have the right to make him feel the way she did, to make him think the things he was thinking now. And she certainly didn’t have the right to make love seem like an appealing idea.
But Sesshomaru had known for a while that the miko didn’t care about what she did and did not have the right to do. She did was she wanted, whenever she wanted, and there was nothing that could be done to stop her. So Sesshomaru owned up to his helplessness in regards to everything that made the miko who she was and decided that he would ignore her until he could lie and say that the things she did and said had no effect on him and the things he thought, did, said, or believed. He would ignore her and everything about her until he could say with a clean conscience that courageous people were stupid, and that humans couldn’t be wise, and that friendship was a farce, and that love was stupid.
He would ignore her until then.
Probably.
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There!
I think that it was a disappointing, slightly anti-climactic ending, but that’s what I do!
Hope you enjoyed it.
T.N.T!