Mistress Misfit by mle

Mistress Misfit

Mistress Misfit

Author’s Note: Kagome and Sesshomaru (and all the Inuyasha gang, for that matter) are owned by Viz Media and Sunrise; and were created by Rumiko Takahashi. This story was inspired by King Grisly Beard originally written by The Brothers Grimm.

I need to send a quick 'Vielen Dank!' to Zoraya Windwalker, who took time out of her crazy schedule to look over this piece. Thanks a billion, my friend, and thanks to you for reading this.

And now...
   Once upon a time, Sesshomaru was really nasty at a party.

The aged demon paced his small office. Clawed hands clasped behind his back. His subtly pinstriped jacket draped over his desk chair. He paused to glare at a family picture on the elegant, glass and chrome shelves that lined the wall. Every space of it filled with a memento, award or knickknack commemorating his fifty plus years of business experience. Face twisted in deep thought he studied his two boys both glowering through the photo. His youngest was dirty, having escaped the photographer's to go play in a park across the street. The eldest was spotless as always. His cool honeyed gaze conveying his extreme displeasure at having to pose for, as he had put it, “A fruitless endeavor to make our family appear well adjusted in a pathetic attempt to please your clientele.” With a shake of his head, the demon dropped the image back on its designated spot and resumed his march.

Frustrated, he muttered softly, “What am I going to do with those boys? Especially Sesshomaru?!” He took another loop from one end of the room to the other. Sigh. “He is a snob. Selfish and refuses to show even a crumb of civility when brought to meet prospective marriage partners.” He twisted on his heel and stomped back towards the shelves. “Kid's a brilliant competitor,” his shoulders sagged as he picked the family portrait up again, “I can't deny he has a warrior's instinct but his heart is cold and he lacks even a modicum of social sensibilities.” The frame clicked back against the glass shelf, “How am I going to get that ill mannered pup wed?” He fussed with his tie, loosening the knot and springing the top button of his dress shirt. “I want to retire!” Whimper, “Maybe spoil a grand kid or two.”

“Pops!” The office door smashed open, “Hey...” Inuyasha stilled, ears twitching as he took in his father's troubled expression.

“Uh...” he remained mired at the threshold, “Er...”

“Come in.” Pops settled at his desk, “What has your brother done now?”

“That's not it.” Inuyasha rubbed his neck, opting to remain suspiciously out of reach, “I uh...” he scratched his nose, eyes dropping to the front of the large oaken desk, “Well, you see I wanted to...”

“Kikyo will not marry you until your brother finds a wife.” Pops groaned, “Believe me, I would love to see you two happily starting your own family but that woman you've selected is...”

“But I got to marry her now!” Inuyasha rammed his hands into his jacket pockets, the coat stretching as he straightened his arms. “I just have to.”

Blink. “Why?” He studied his youngest closely, “Have you pupped her?”

“Eh...” Inuyasha's sudden and intense focus on the office lavatory door said everything.

“Well,” weary head shake, “It isn't like your mother and I didn't see it coming.” He flopped tiredly back into his chair, “However, I doubt this new predicament will change her mind.”

“Nah.” Inuyasha blushed, “She's considering it now but she's uncomfortable because... well... you know Mom wants us to live at the house.”

“Hm.” Pops blinked, surprised with the news and secretly thrilled. Wanting to speed his way to the retirement he dreamed of babysitting a fat and happy grandchild, he asked without thinking, “Why won't she live with us?” Realizing the answer he muttered the same time as Inuyasha, “Sesshomaru.”

Inuyasha added with a venomous snarl, “He's a royal dick when she's around.” He finally locked eyes with his old man, “Can't ya just make him start a new office somewhere like Hellhole, Idaho or something?”

“No.” Groan, “Sadly, he's needed here.”

“Ah come on! Then just send him away for a bit. Like...” frown, “like on a forced vacation or something.”

Chuckle, “I will find some way to deal with your brother.” Pops drummed his nails on the desk, swiveling his chair to glare out the window and began muttering, “He has flatly refused to attend any introductory meetings with potential wives, ruthlessly dismisses women like they were bit of crud on his shoe; especially if your mother or I attempt to play matchmaker on the sly, and takes great pleasure in squashing any girl's hope of becoming anything but a whipping post for that sadistic bonehead.” Snarl, “How I helped sire such a romantically inept child is beyond me.” Grumble, “I never had trouble with the ladies.”

“Eh...” Inuyasha inched for the door, not interested in hearing how his father had been the Casanova of his age. “Uh...” chuff, “Yeah, that Sesshomaru's a real douche. D-O-O-S-H.”

The phone on Pops' desk chirped, glancing at the number he released a weary breath, “We will discuss my upcoming grandchild later,” he paused, “And your poor spelling, Inuyasha.” Then shooed the hanyou away, “Right now, I've other things to deal with.”

~~~~~~~

Pops smiled broadly from his seat as he watched those in attendance flit and flutter about the room. Slowly, he sipped from his champagne enthralled by the lovely dresses in various shades and styles.

“This turned out better than I planned!” His wife, Izayoi, chirped happily from her seat beside him. “Oh!” She waved at a young girl across the space, “Isn't Miss Rin just a breath of fresh air?!”

Pops nodded and chuckled. The young woman was stunning in her vibrant dress of cream and orange.

Izayoi cooed, “She makes me think of an ice cream dessert.”

“Look.” He gestured with his glass to a beauty at one of the distant tables. Her dark hair was clipped back in an extravagant twist held in place by a lovely, fluttery ostrich plume. Expression cool, eyes glittering as she scanned the space. Her dark maroon dress with splashes of muted yellows and purples framing her figure in a becoming way. There was no question, she was a fierce breeze of femininity. She ignored the bubbling drink growing flat in front of her. If it weren't for the repetitious movement of her ivory fan slipping across her palm in an absent and stress driven beat one would assume she felt perfectly at home.

Pops snickered, “Even Miss Kagura decided to attend.”

Izayoi sighed, “So she did.” Nodding she giggled, “Look! There's Lady Kaede!” She squeezed his hand, “This was a wonderful idea.” Her hold tightened, eyes widening, “Oh my!”

Pops followed her gaze and grinned, Sesshomaru had slunk in and taken residence against the wall nearest an exit. “I get the feeling,” he waved the headwaiter towards him, “That my boy is not interested in the festivities.”

Sesshomaru scanned the milling guests while mentally cataloging his to-do list. His lip curled when a timorous waiter offered him a flute. Alcohol would not make this evening more comfortable and as soon as the hullabaloo was over, he would return to the solitude of his office and finish the plans his step-mother had disturbed when she barged in with a tux in hand, his father in tow and a scad of servants bringing up the rear. He checked his nails then glared out at the mess of overly lacquered, heavily polished women. The room was abuzz with idle pleasantries, clinking glasses and pointless chatter. Subtly his eyebrows began to lower. Most the guests were female, young and unmarried. His crabby glare shifted to Inuyasha. The fool was carefully guarding his stoic wife to be, as though she were the bell of the ball. With a sniff, Sesshomaru watched the fool try to chase off any who glanced Kikyo's way, including the waiters.

“Idiot.”

Suddenly, the hanyou stiffened. Some latent sixth sense honing in on the faintly breathed insult. Slowly he turned towards Sesshomaru, lip curled in a feral indication he was not to be trifled with. The aggressive stance twisted suddenly into shock when his golden eyes locked on those of his brother's, his hand snapping out to tug Kikyo behind him.

Confused, Sesshomaru released a faint snort and watched as Inuyasha continued to puff and prance about. His lipped twitched when he realized his brother had misinterpreted his studious watch as lust rather than the bemused glare it had been. Shifting his focus away from the easily flustered boy Sesshomaru mentally sniped, Your pregnant, porcelain bride holds no charms for me, little brother. The amusement quickly faded though when another, more unsettling thought elbowed its way to the fore, The fool has never acted as though I were a threat to his romantic conquest before, why is he troubled now? Golden eyes slit as he lazily scanned the guests. Hm... Worry and a good dose of instinct quickly had him analyzing the situation with a high powered microscope. Spine straightening, he took better stock of the women surrounding him. Some of the faces he recognized. Some of the girls he had seen just a few days ago or on surprise lunches with his father and step-mother. He grit his teeth when his scan brought his attention to a haphazard mess of a girl slinking along the edges of the throng.

Does she not know the meaning of a dress code?

The clink of a knife against fine crystal forced him to look away from the out of place girl and created a tense hush across the room. All eyes shifted to the raised podium at the far end of the hall. Sesshomaru's father stood behind the dais, beaming with his glass held high. “Good evening.” He grinned into the crowd, “The time has come,” chuckle, “Would all the available ladies please line up,” he gestured to his right, “over here?”

A faint murmur filled the air as women took their posts, shoulder to shoulder, along the indicated space.

Pops smiled, “Thank you ladies,” he swiveled his gaze to Sesshomaru, “Now if you don't mind,” the congenial expression he shared with his rapt audience took on an air of cruelty, “Son,” his eyes twinkled, “Please see if any of these lovely women catch your fancy.”

Exceedingly displeased over the trickery, Sesshomaru crisply replied, “Surely, Father, you can pick your next bed partner without my intervention.” His eyebrow lifted, focus swiveling subtly to his sire's current spouse, “My opinion in such trivialities has not mattered in the past.” His lip twitched, pleasure evident over the startled conversation his comment had ignited in the crowd.

“No,” The aged demon responded easily, “I am more than happy with Izayoi.” His tone hinted of wicked intentions, “These ladies have come to attain your favor.”

“I do not bandy my favors about.” He curled his fingers to study his cuticles before flicking his eyes over the line of suitors, “And if I did they would not be given to a woman only concerned with money or status.”

Pops fingered his glass and muttered, “What makes you say that?”

Sesshomaru's lip curled, “Why else would they be here? This is the fifth year I was voted most desirable bachelor,” He ignored Inuyasha's nasty scoff, “And our profits are easily discernible.” A long finger pointed towards one of the windows, “All one has to do is look outside.” He glided easily through the crowd, “Furthermore, several of these so called prime candidates have already been dismissed.” He pointed to the young girl in orange, “This chit is but a child.” Sneer, “I am neither a pedophile nor do I wish to be burdened by a wench barely out of school with the mentality of a toddler.” He shifted his focus to an aged woman, “Nor will I bed one who is better suited to the role of a witch in a child's fairytale.”

Kaede simply nodded, a sigh of relief whooshing free when he sauntered by. Silent thanks muttered to no one in particular that the young demon had kept his Quasimodo comments to himself this meeting.

Gold landed on a trim, toned woman dressed in a simple gown that, by her uncomfortable posture and constant tugging of the hem, did not suit her. “This one is far too muscular for my tastes.” Sniff, “More appropriate at the gym than in a dress.” He canted his head, “Besides,” he shifted his weight, “why would I waste my time with a lesbian who still believes she is heterosexual?”

Pops groaned, head jerking back to drain his drink. Rummaging in his coat, he retrieved a flask and refilled the glass to repeat the process twice more.

His gaze drifted to Kikyo, “Why is this here?” He glanced at his brother, “I will not toy with Inuyasha's cast-offs.” Sneer, “Especially when it is already pupped.” He tipped towards the infuriated woman, “I will not save you from rearing a bastard, wench.” Before she could respond he flicked his attention onto the next woman. Her nerves apparent as she hid behind her fluttering fan, “Why would I trouble myself with a woman who has entered her barren season early?”

Pops interjected, “What?!”

“Are not hot flashes common in women who are either with child,” he shot Kikyo another glance then eyed the next woman dressed in a long, maroon dress. Her hair twisted up in an elaborate knot. Teeth appeared as he peeked at Kaede then back, “Or finishing her reproductive cycle?”

Kagura hissed a low, malicious curse. Her jewel red eyes narrowing in pure hatred.

Unfazed, he forced his attention onto a dark haired woman. Her bangs famed her face and her pristine bob was absolute perfection- not a hair out of place. She wore a tight fitting, black cocktail dress. Though the plunging neckline gave one easy access to view her supple breasts, there was something about her that gave Sesshomaru pause. “Not even Inuyasha would waste time on a harlot beautician who reeks of cheap product and filthy clients.”

Yura gasped and clenched her fists, spitting, “Your hair isn't that great.”

“Hn.” Golden eyes narrowed, “You will never know, will you?”

Pops refilled his glass with the flask as the horror continued. Instead of taking the banquet as a chance to mingle, Sesshomaru took great pleasure and care precisely pointing out every flaw or minor oddity each and every girl had. One was too catty, another far too pale. This one was too vain. That one too fat. Each and every victim receiving a moment of his time and a lifetime's worth of therapy fodder. Some of the girls ran off in tears, a few just gaped, and a small percentage clearly took the verbal assault in order to plan Sesshomaru's untimely and gruesome demise.

Girl after girl was viciously picked apart, but none of the potential candidates snagged his attention more than Kagome.

Only she earned his complete, unrestrained spleen. She had arrived late and opted to mill about the edges of the crowds rather than mix and mingle. When Pops had announced it was time for all the single women to line up, she had tried to sneak away only to be forcefully dragged back by the family priest, Miroku. It was clear she had come straight from rough day at work. Her hair dangling pathetically in poor resemblance to the crisp bun her day had started with. The business skirt and silk blouse that had given her an air of competence and style before lunch now clung to her body in a wrinkled, disheveled mess. One of the heels on her shoe had broken, which obviously caused her to trip and fall, due to the tattered mess of her pantyhose. Trying to clean up on the run, she had lipstick on her teeth, smeared eye makeup and was missing an earring.

Eyes narrowed, lip curled, Sesshomaru turned away from her and calmly drawled, “I have no idea what your game is but I would no sooner succumb to the nonexistent wiles of this misplaced specimen than I would willingly suffer a night with,” he glanced at Kaede, “The hag,” shifted his glare to Rin, “A bubble head,” Sango, “A shim,” Kikyo, “Used goods,” Kagura, “Menopausal ,” Yura, “Obsessed psychotic. And...” Golden eyes glittered. He had now made his way back to Kagome, “Hn. Or a dullard.”

She blushed under the young man's scornful glare and nervously used a chipped nail to tuck a frizzled chunk of hair behind her ear.

“Surely, your age has muddied your concept of beauty, Father!” He pointed at Kagome, “What is this?” He turned from her to jeer, “Have you become so desperate to see that Inuyasha's wed before his mutt is birthed that you are now pulling desperate, lowly office workers off the street?” He folded his arms, “She doesn't belong here. This mess does not even belong behind the counter of a fast food restaurant.”

Pops coughed, “Miss Higurashi is one of the most sought after young ladies in the country.”

He scornfully scanned the woman, “I, Sesshomaru, can assure you, Father, I have zero interest in such a klutzy, haphazard mess.” He scoffed, full focus on Kagome, “What happened to you, Miss Misfortune?” He canted his head, “Did your Pathetic Prince Charming fail to see your good points?”

“I have no idea what you mean,” teeth grit, she hissed, “Sir.”

“Not only is she socially misplaced, poorly dressed and misinformed she is also unable to comprehend the situation.” Eyes narrowed, “She is the Lady of Lame.” He pointed to her broken heel. “The Priestess of Plain.” With relish he waved his had towards the well dressed women ahead of her in the line. “You Mistress Misfit belong at a second hand shop.” Chuckle, “Not here.”

Kagome held her tongue but that did not stop a single tear from escaping. She sniffed. Hands balled into angry fists.

Sesshomaru continued, “What made you think you could even stand a chance when these more suitable candidates have been so readily rejected?” He stepped closer, “Did you really think you would garner my attention and win my heart,” tone frigid, he added, “Milady?”

“No.” Teeth clenched, she hissed a faint, “You cannot win what isn't there, My lord.”

“Hn.” Sniff, “So you're not deaf, just misplaced.” He waved his hand and marched from the hall, “Go see to your paltry empire, Milady, I've more important things than to waste my time with you.”

Infuriated, Pops watched as his eldest strolled from the premises. “That insufferable...”

Izayoi patted his hand and urged the waiters to pass around some drinks. “There. There.”

Kagome kept her head down, hands shaking as she fought to hold her temper in line. So busy trying to escape the ballroom, she did not see Kaede. The aged candidate gently snagged her elbow, and tenderly rubbed her back. “Do not let that arrogant whelp get to you, child.” She smiled warmly at the girl, “You know it was all bluster and smoke.”

“Thanks.” She rubbed her neck, scanning the dispersing crowd for the cause of her humiliation.

Chuckle, “Ah... after spreading his goodwill, Sesshomaru has gone. Though I have a feeling his sudden exit may have been a poor decision.” Kaede watched as Inuyasha, Miroku and Pops talked animatedly on the podium. “Come. Let's sit and see what is to befall the bratty boy.”

“Yes!” Rin chirped, snagging Kagome's other elbow, “Come sit with me and Sango.”

As Kagome settled she glanced at her feet and winced, “Heh. Guess I really do look like I was run over by a bus, huh?”

Sango frowned, “You just look like you had one hell of a rough day.” Her eyes narrowed, “Even if you'd come in sweats, Sesshomaru had no right to be a pompous jerk about it.” She shot Miroku's spine a withering glare, “Some of us came as a favor.”

“Well,” giggle, “I am inappropriately dressed and he was actually pretty nasty to all of you.”

“Hmph.” Sango crossed her arms, nose lifting, “Still, he seemed to take immense pleasure in belittling you.”

Rin blithely chirruped, “Don't worry about what that crabby Sesshomaru said.” Giggle, “I heard Kagura say she thinks he just needs his pipes blown out.”

Kagome gasped, “Rin!”

Blink. “What?”

Kaede chuckled, “I believe he's a bit backed up as well.”

“Both of you!”

At the front of the room, the hosts had fallen into a deep discussion. Inuyasha snarled, “What the hell?! This whole evening's turned into a colossal fuck-up.” He flapped his hand in frustration, “All that money and work just to watch that bastard make fun of the guests.” Growl, “He even took a shot at Kikyo!” He tipped over the table, “She shouldn't have even been on the menu!”

Miroku stubbornly stepped forward. “This has to stop. He was insufferably rude, and some of the women here came only as personal favors.” He rubbed his neck, a sudden itch at the base of his skull warning him that Sango was watching. “Sesshomaru is completely oblivious.” He frowned, “Not only is he ungracious and refuses to understand the plight of his underlings but he is cruel as well.”

“He made fun of my future wife!”

Groan, “That too.” Miroku pinched the bridge of his nose, “Sesshomaru is never going to find a girl good enough to marry because he doesn't think any of them are to his caliber.”

Pops glanced at the table of girls consoling Kagome, “He was rather nasty to the Higurashi girl wasn't he?”

“Well,” Miroku chuckled and peeked at his disheveled friend, “She has had better days.”

“Hn.”

Inuyasha snarled, “He made fun of my Kikyo!”

“Noted.” Pops spat. Eyes narrowed he glared out at the few milling guests still in shock. “Fine.” He stood, tugging his jacket smooth. It was clear by the aged demon's spastic movement he was still furious. “I've decided.” His knuckles popped as he set his mind, “It can't be helped.” Expression determined he snarled, “Sesshomaru will marry the first woman to walk into his office tomorrow.”

Inuyasha staggered back, “What?”

Miroku rubbed his left hand and grinned, “Interesting.”

From the audience, Kagome simply blinked.

Pops nodded, “First unmarried, of age woman to enter Sesshomaru's office will become his bride.”