To Cry Again by sesshyzcutiie

Prologue

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Okay guys. This is a prologue to…you know…do the stuff prologue’s are supposed to do. I must warn you, however, that some parts in here get a bit gruesome. But I had to do this in order to show you why Sesshoumaru acts the way he does. Hope you enjoy, and please review. Sorry if there are typos... Much luv ^o^

p.s. I couldn’t think of a name fot Sesshoumaru’s mother…so….my friend gave me this one. If you know her real name, a heads up would be greatly appreciated :)

At the age of two, Sesshoumaru was a delightful child. He was rarely seen without a smile. His father, rich beyond thought capable, blessed him daily. His mother, beautiful beyond thought possible, coddled and loved him, beating the typical stereotype of how the rich had no time for their children.

Sesshoumaru was happy. And he thought everybody in the world was happy as well. How naïve. 

Had he known how his mother’s smiles weren’t always real, he could have been prepared for the tragedy the future beheld.

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Hinako was livid. She stood tall, waiting for that bastard to walk into the mansion. She could hear him pulling the keys out of the ignition. She listened silently as he opened the door, and stepped out before closing it. She listened to the way his hair swayed in the evening breeze, and the clack of his expensive shoes as they walked across their gravel driveway. He opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind him.

Hinako put on a false smile and walked over to him, meeting him at the door, and placing her hands on her swollen belly.

“Hello love, how was work?”she asked.

He hung up his coat and looked at her, smiling as well.

“The first meeting toward our expansion went well, actually.”

“Wonderful.” She moved forward and hugged him, smelling his two hundred dollar cologne that she gave him. Sniffing deeply, but not obviously, she picked up the scent of slight musk, fatigue, and oh…the other woman. Did he think her stupid?

Not realizing her evaluation of him, he hugged her back. When he pulled away, she placed her hands on his chest and with the brute force of a raging demoness, she slammed him into the far wall. Before he could gather his bearing, she exploded.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out, love!?”

Inu stared at her, faking innocence.

“What are you talking about Hina-“

“Did you think that just because I’m pupped, it meant that my senses were dulled?! If anything, they’re stronger!! How could you possibly think that I couldn’t smell that ningen stench you’d come home with after your unfaithful rutting!!??”she screamed.

Inu frowned.  He had used concealing spells. This is not how he wanted things to turn out. But he wouldn’t have her screaming at him like this. He was the Alpha.

“What does she have that I don’t?”she whispered, her voice thick with the crying to come.

That broke his resolve a bit.

“It’s not what you don’t have, it’s just that, she’s different…I think I’m in love with her.”

Hinako’s heart shattered.

Inu flinched…it was as if he’d heard it. Hinako staggered backwards, and would have fallen if it weren’t for the counter behind her.

Inu reached out to steady her, but she retracted violently form his touch.

“Get out.”

He looked at her, his face blank, before turning around and stalking gracefully out of her presence. After he left, she sank to the floor, holding her stomach with one hand and wiping her tears with the other.

“Mama?”

Her head shot up and she stared at her baby boy, who was looking at her with worried eyes. He was holding his blanket, the one she got him, in his chubby little fingers.

“Yes, darling?”

“Are…are you ok mama? Why are you cwying?”

She couldn’t answer. It hurt so bad to think about it. He didn’t realized how much she had loved him, still did, and he went for another woman.  He’d regret it. She felt Sesshomaru’s stubby arms wrap around her.

“Don’t cwy Mama…evewything will be ok.”

And with that he ran off to play.

Hinako didn’t have it in her to smile. She was broken. She stared vacantly at her son, just two years old. So innocent, perceptive and bright. Well, it didn’t take a genius to realize something was wrong with her.  First, though, she wanted everyone but her son out. Picking up the cell, she called the maids quarters.

“Yes, my mistress.”

“Tell everyone they are fired, as of today. You are all to leave, now. None of you are to inform my mate about this, or you will de disemboweled.”

She heard the young woman stutter with shock before hanging up.

She sat on the kitchen floor for an hour, contemplating to make him feel as she felt, hurt as she hurt. But how? How could she inflict pain on him without being vindictive? How could she ruin him, without harming the human woman.?She wasn’t stupid. She could smell that the ningen was pupped as well. And then it came to her in a startling epiphany.

He didn’t need her. That human was pupped as she was pupped, and no doubt beautiful as she was beautiful.

If she disappeared suddenly, he would be filled with the ultimate guilt. Dog demons weren’t supposed to betray their mates. They were supposedly only allowed to mate once, but Inu was different. He was stronger, and more stubborn than any dog demon before him. Rules like that didn’t matter to him.

But they mattered to her, and she would show him that.

She smiled, wishing she’d be able to see the look on his face when he saw what he had caused. Standing up slowly, she grabbed the kitchen knife on the counter. It was a machete, sharpened and sparkling clean in all its glory. She turned it toward her, and just when she was about to plunge it into her flesh, he called her name.

“Mama?”

She stared at his eyes, golden pools wide with confusion and fear.

She wished he weren’t so smart. Normal two year olds would keep playing with their toys.

“Your father did something very mean to me, Sesshy.”

She rammed the blade into her stomach, ignoring his screams.

“He doesn’t love me anymore.”

She continuously plunged the blade into her and her unborn pup, feeling the juices and blood seep out of her and squirt onto the floor. Sesshoumaru backed into the far wall of the kitchen, gasping.

“What did Papa do?”he cried out.

“It’s not Papa anymore…you are to call him Father……I’m not enough for him.”she whispered, not flinching at the agony she was inflicting upon herself.

“So the only way I can break him like he broke me, is to kill myself.”

She stopped stabbing her stomach now, and proceeded to slit her wrist, slowly. The blood dripped onto the floor as she sank down into a seated position. She stared into her baby’s wide eyes, and couldn’t help but wish he had been somewhere else, but there was no other way to break that man she called a mate.

“I love you, Sesshoumaru. Do you love me?”she asked weakly.

“Y…yes…I…I wove you Mama…”he whispered.

“Good. I’m so glad…so glad that you love me. All I want to feel is love right now…just love…someone to love me…as I love you…and loved your father. Love is such a strong feeling…it makes you do strange things. Please don’t blame me, baby.”

He nodded, still in shock. How could this be happening? How could his beloved Mama be doing this to herself?

Suddenly she plunged her claws into the remains of her stomach and pulled out her dead pup, looking at it.

“She was so beautiful…maybe I should have waited…”she mumbled, the blood loss catching up to her.

“Isn’t she pretty, Sesshy?”

He couldn’t talk. He slumped to the floor, eyes wide and mouth agape in horror.

Grabbing the knife again, she placed it on her throat, and with one clean swipe, she slit it. The blood squirted about the kitchen. Sesshoumaru flinched as some splattered upon his face and shirt. He screamed and started to wipe it of, panicking. This was just a dream, just a nightmare.

“I love you,”she said, the blood bubbling out of her mouth, “and I will always love you, no matter what.”

He just watched as the blood seeped from her throat and mouth.

“Never forget that…never forget…never………forget…….that I…..I lo….you….ery….uch…”

And she went limp, the knife in one hand, and her daughter in the other.

He got up and ran to her, tripping and skidding in her blood, but finally reached her. He stared at her, but was to afraid to touch her. She still had a slight smile on her face.

“Mama…wake up…pwease wake up…I’m scared…and awone…I dun wanna be awone…”he whispered, shaking.

Maybe she was tired, and was still asleep…but in the back of his mind, where denial wasn’t in control…he knew she wasn’t. 

Four hours he sat there, staring at her glazed over citrus eyes. Where was his father? What was he up to, at work? What could he have done to make his mother do this? Could she be…dead? He had heard that word before…but he never thought I would happen to his mama.

Flashback…

“Mama? What does dead mean?”

 Hinako halted her action of cutting the meat she was preparing for dinner, and looked at her 1 and a half year old son. He was in his highchair, munching on cereal.

Where had he heard that?

“Did someone tell you that word, sweety?”

He shook his head no.

“You said it when you were on da phone. You said dat Anty was dead. What does…what does dead mean?”he asked again.

He was to smart for his own good.

“Dead is when something happens to a person that they never wake up from. It’s like…like they fall asleep forever…they don’t wake up, and they don’t breathe anymore.”

 Sesshoumaru cocked his head to the side and then frowned.

 “Bein dead sounds sad…I dun wanna be dead…I dun wan u to be dead to…that would make Sesshymaru very sad…”

 Hinako smiled and hugged her son.

“Don’t worry Sesshy, I’ll never die, and neither will you until Kami decides. I promise.

End Flashback

She broke her promise.

Looking at the clock, he saw it was well in the A.M. His eyes drifted back to his limp mother.

He didn’t know people could smile while they died. Smiling meant happiness, and that would have to mean that she was happy to die.

That realization brought him back to the question of what his father had done. Why?

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.

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Inu lay naked beside Izayoi, panting in the aftermath of sex. Now that his ecstasy high wore off, he felt something severely off with his mating mark. Jumping up, he frightened the human woman beside him as he started to throw on his clothes in haste.

“My love…what…”she started but then stopped as she saw the urgency and despair in his eyes.

"What did she do!?”he cried out as he fastened his dress shoes and tore off, forgetting about his car.

Grabbing his phone he called  Jaken, his faithful servant.

“Jaken!?”

“Y…yes, Milord?”

“What has happened to my mate!?”

“I don’t know, Milord…she called the head of the female staff and told her we were all fired, and we had no choice but to leave immediately or face disembowelment. With all due respect, Milord, whatever you did…pray it didn’t hurt her as bad as I think.”

Inu growled into the phone before ordering Jaken back to the mansion to meat him there. Thirty seconds later, he appeared at the front door and almost regurgitated at the stench of blood. Ripping the door off its hinges, and ran to the kitchen and stopped dead at what he saw. His mate, in all her glory lay dead. He saw the unborn pup in her hands, and the knife in the other.

What had she done? No…what had he…done?

He then remembered his son. Frantically, he looked and then saw Sesshoumaru sitting rigid against the wall, eyes wide, staring at Hinako. Inu slowly walked, avoiding the blood on the ground, and knelt in front of his son.

“Sesshoumaru?”he whispered, trying to wipe the dried blood from his face.

“What did you do?”asked Sesshoumaru, his voice dull and monotone, unlike the vibrant loving tone Inu was accustomed to.

He couldn’t answer. Instead, he flinched as the newly arrived Jaken screamed and bolted from the house, calling an ambulance.

Gathering Sesshoumaru into his arms, he walked out ignoring the boys screams for him to leave him there. He expected the boy to sob and cry, but no tears came. None at all.

The only thing he received was his son’s hatred.

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The funeral was horrendous. All throughout Sesshoumaru was silent, until they opened the coffin for viewing. Sesshoumaru screamed at the top of his lungs, fighting to get to her. His father held him in his arms and he scratched and screamed for his mother to wake up.

“You pwomised me you would neva die…so why did you make youwself die Mama! I dun understand! You hav ta wake up!! Wake up Mama!! WAKE UP!!!!”

Inu and the rest of the funeral sat silent, unable to chastise the boy for screaming. Some got up and excused themselves. The sorrow they felt was too great.

Still, Sesshoumaru never cried.

They had gotten professional help for the boy a few weeks after the funeral. He never answered any of their questions. And still, he never cried.

Then Inu told Sesshoumaru about Izayoi, and his love for her. He told him that a human women could never replace his mother, and that he would never love her. Mind you, he was still two years old.

When Inuyasha was born, Sesshoumaru stared at the bundle in Izayoi’s arms with disgust. He asked if Inu thought that ‘thing’ was better than his unborn sister.

Sesshoumaru never told anyone about what he had witnessed that day, no matter how many times he was asked. They knew the memories weren’t repressed, but he just chose never to speak of it to anyone.

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At four years old, Sesshoumaru was nothing like the average child. He was cruel and cold. He avoided friendships, saying they were a nuisance…in those exact words. The boy was a genius, but knew nothing of happiness.

Those days of smiles and laughs were a memory.

Inu knew that this was his fault. He knew that he was the cause for his eldest sons sociopathic tendencies. What he didn’t expect however, was this.

It turned out that Sesshoumaru had gotten into a fight, and it had taken three teachers to remove him from the victim.

“Explain yourself.”

“When someone insults you, Father, you put them in their place. Why shouldn’t I?”

Inu was taken back.

“Well then tell me this, son, why did you beat that boy within an inch of his life?”

“He spoke of mother.”

And with that, Sesshoumaru left and retired to his room.

Inu thought little of the incident, but as the years went by, the number of fights Sesshoumaru had been in were countless. He had even beaten upon his little brother, Inuyasha. The boy was two years younger than him, and they could rarely stay in the same room without fighting each other.

Now the boys were 15 and 17.

Inuyasha was going to be a freshman in high school, while Sesshoumaru a junior.

Inu sat with Izayoi in bed, a deep frown of sorrow on his face.

“Why does he fight like this, love? I just…can’t understand it.”he told her.

“Tell me, love, did he ever cry after she died?”

“Not a tear.”

“Than maybe fighting is his way of  expressing what he can’t.”she answered simply.

“How do we teach him how to…how to cry?”

“We can’t, love. Maybe someone will come along this year in school who’ll help him live again.”

This is how Sesshoumaru learns to cry.