In Death, Trust Me, as You Didn't in Life by Kanna37

Envy

"Dammit, you hentai!  Now is not the time for this!"  Sango was highly irate.  The damn monk just never learned - it was always the same, only now, Kagome wasn't around for him to grope, leaving her as his only target.  Which he was doing - frequently.  Did the fool even know just how predictable he was?

"You know, Miroku, you need to find some new moves, you are so easy to read now.  Do you know what Kagome told me once?  She said that you'd made her an adult - she'd been groped by you, and that it was a right-of-passage.  That's pretty sad, you pervert!"

Miroku met her angered gaze calmly, then grinned mischievously.  "A right-of-passage, hmm?  In that case, things could go well for me in the next village we come to... hopefully, there will be many beautiful maidens waiting for me to assist them into adulthood."

Inuyasha rolled his eyes, irritation flaring.  "Shut the fuck up, monk.  Just for that, I ain't takin' you anywhere near any villages for the next month."

The monk pouted for a moment, then laughed.  "Ah, well, perhaps that is a good thing, since we are on such an important quest."  He shot a look at the young male that ran at their sides, grateful that he was riding Kirara with Sango - their half demon companion was very quick.  

"So, tell me, Inuyasha.  Do you have any inkling of a way to return Kagome to the land of the living?"

Inuyasha shook his head.  "Nope.  But there has to be a way - and Myouga here," he poked the flea, ignoring his wails of protest,  "is gonna help.  In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the little bloodsucker knows how to do it - and for some reason isn't giving the information up."  His voice became hard, dangerous.  "I'll let it lie until we see Bokuseno, but after that, if he doesn't come clean..."  his voice trailed off ominously, and Myouga got very quiet.

Miroku looked into the distance, then sighed.  "Inuyasha... tell me, why are you so determined to bring Kagome back - even against her own wishes?  To the point that you would threaten friends and vassals with death if they do not comply?"  He shot the sputtering half demon a dark look from under his brows.  

"Are you going to do the same to us if we refuse to do something you want us to at some point?"

"Fuck!  Is that what you think of me?  I'd never hurt you and Sango, Miroku, you should know that by now!  I haven't spent years protecting you guys and fighting by your side to turn and attack you now - I have more honor than that, aside from anything else.  I can't believe you'd even ask me that!"  Inuyasha was actually hurt that something like that would even be said.

An insidious voice broke in from within his mind, reminding him of his words, arguing against his own mental state.

But he makes a valid point... how are they supposed to know if they're safe or not when you've been laying threats around like leaves in autumn?

"That is comforting to know, Inuyasha, however, you did not answer the first part of the question."

"Yes, Inuyasha... I'd like an answer to that, too.  I know I want her back, and I was hopeful when you brought this chance up - but after she spoke to me in that dream, I feel badly that we are disregarding her wishes."  Sango looked away from everyone, then, she could feel the upset in Inuyasha's aura... and Shippo's.  

Inuyasha glanced at her profile, then looked away, guilt rising up within his mind... but not enough to change it.  She could be pissed all she wanted at him when she woke up alive again - but that was the point... she'd be alive again, having the chance to be pissed at him.  

"I know she'll probably be pissed as hell at me for all this, but I don't care.  Let her sit me to hell over it - because I'm already there without her here.  I think I lost the ability to breathe when she wasn't with me, Sango - because I feel dead, too - and I don't want to try to live, while feeling dead."

He sighed, and looked up at the sky for a moment.

"I can understand now... how Kikyou felt.  Alive, and yet not.  It hurts - and I want it to stop hurting.  I want to stop hurting... because the only time in my life that I didn't hurt - was when Kagome was with me."

Miroku stared at his friend, sadness shifting through him as he realized that Inuyasha was merely telling the truth.

His friend wasn't just fighting for Kagome's life...

He was fighting for his own, as well.

Why did the kami allow such a bond to develop - one that would only cause him more pain?

Has he not suffered enough of that in his life already?

---wWw---

It hurts.

Kagome couldn't even look up as they moved through the mists, letting Sesshoumaru guide her without caring where he was taking her.  He'd pointed out something that had her unwillingly delving into her heart - and she was frightened.

She wasn't sure she wanted to know what she was going to find.

How could he hit the mark so completely - see something in me so clearly when I myself never even realized it?  

"Tell me, Kagome.  How much of your soul was damaged by all those others - and how much of it was damaged by Inuyasha?"

The words cut into her mind, echoing over and over, drawing out poison from within her soul... a poison she'd never even realized was festering there.  

I let Inuyasha become my crutch - my reason for locking my heart away and not letting anyone else in.  And now, I am here, in this place, and Sesshoumaru points it out!  

"Why?"  Her voice broke from her control, anguish overlying its normal sweet tones, and Sesshoumaru stiffened.

"Why would you point this out to me... now?  Now, here, when it's too late?  Before, my heart was locked away, but now?!  Now, it's dead!  I'm... dead..." a despondent sadness echoed then within her, radiating outwards from her aura, slamming into her companion with the force of a thousand explosions.

"Why do you think that it is too late?  Despite what you seem to think, miko, I do nothing that is pointless.  My words have meaning - it is up to you to figure out what that meaning is."

"And who is here for me to love, Sesshoumaru?  Who is here that would love me?  What is the point of all this, anyway?"  A broken sob came suddenly as she yanked her arm from him and backed away.  "Haven't I cried enough?  Hurt enough?!"  Her voice trailed away into tears, and she put a hand out, warning him to stay away as he started to move towards her, his form dissolving and shattering into fragments as the tears fractured her vision - just as her soul lay in fractures within her.

It tore out his heart to see her this way, but it had to be done, and he was nothing if not a master strategist.  She needed to let go of the past, of the pain that had been slowly poisoning her... it wasn't even as though she was still in love with his brother.  It was just that she had buried all the grief, and never let it out - she needed this, to cry.  To lance the wound in her soul, so that the hurt could finally finish healing.

After all, he could not have her until this was past.

"Indeed.  You have - and now it is time for you to recognize that fact and let it go - so that you may be able to move on, miko.  Do you really think that I gain satisfaction from your pain?  Do you think me so honorless?!"  His voice had risen a bit, towards the end of that statement, and with it, a high wind moved from behind him, swirling his hair around them, and spinning the mists away from them, revealing a place she'd never thought to see again.

Her home.

She stared around herself in shock, until her attention was ripped away from her surroundings by the sight of the ever stoic Sesshoumaru finally lost to control.  His eyes looked... haunted.

And for some reason, that hurt her more than anything else.

Almost numb from the overwhelming amount of emotion suddenly flooding her from the oh-so-controlled demon Lord before her, she stared, mind blank.

"Tell me, Kagome, do you see me - have you ever really seen me?  Does this Sesshoumaru not exist?  Have I not life within me as well as you?"  With an enraged growl, he asked,  "You say you feel emotion - then tell me, woman, what do you feel from me now?!"

Eyes wide, Kagome couldn't look away from him in that moment.  "I... normally I can't... sense you, Sesshoumaru - or at least, not much.  It's because of your control.  You block me."

"And now?  I have loosed my grip on that control, so tell me!  What do you feel from me now?!  Or are you too frightened to look?  Afraid that you might have all your preconceived notions ripped away?"  He turned his back, then, visibly fighting for control, shocked at himself as much as she was.  He hadn't let himself lose control like that since he was a child.

Always it is her that brings me to my knees.  Why cannot she see that fact?  Am I not worth her heart?  Can I not... love her as she deserves?  

Suddenly, Kagome could only feel his hurt, as it overtook her own, drowning it in endless visions of long, lonely centuries, of hopes always dashed, and a cold heart that was finally warmed, seeing the sunlight for the first time - and she had cast it in his teeth, ignored his presence, denied his existence except in a peripheral way.

She sank to her knees, unable to stand under the weight of the pain he kept locked away, out of sight.  "I'm so sorry, Sesshoumaru,"  she whispered.   "You were right to say what you did."  Head down, chin against her chest, she wrapped her arms around herself and cried.   She cried for him, for his loneliness, and she cried for herself...

For her blindness.

Because he was right.  She hadn't ever let herself see him.  She'd hidden behind her childish affection for Inuyasha - and ignored the white light behind him that was Sesshoumaru.

And all because she was afraid to truly see him.

Sesshoumaru was breathing heavily, and he concentrated hard to get it under control.  He had never, even as a child, let go of himself this much.  Never had he shared so much of himself with anyone.  Not ever.  No one had ever made him feel what this one, tiny woman did.  He had long ago accepted it, accepted the loss of control for her sake, but he still despised the pain that it brought in its wake - the realization of what this woman was to him.

She was his heart.

He wished that he'd been born without.  He'd realized that he'd never truly be able to live up to his name when he'd finally understood what had happened to him - because he could never again be the merciless 'killing perfection' once his heart had been woken - and compassion had filtered into his soul.

All because of her.  And she just kept missing the reasons - missing why he'd waited for her, why he wanted her trust, why he'd stopped wanting to kill her... even why he'd saved her several times.  

But now, as he finally turned and looked at her, he knew that she was seeing him, as he was, for the first time, as she looked up at him through eyes washed with tears.  

Kagome met his eyes, then, and knew.  Knew why he'd waited, why he wanted her trust.

He loved her.  

And she'd acted like life was over and there was no longer anyone to love - when he was there right by her side.

She'd hurt him... but never again.

"Sesshoumaru,"  a whisper, but powerful, for in that moment even the scream of a thousand tortured souls couldn't have overpowered it in his ears,  "I see you."  Reaching up to wipe some of the tears from her face, she held his gaze, eyes solemn.  "I see you - and I understand what you've been trying to tell me.  I'm ready to listen now."

I can let myself see him, trust him... and I can let myself learn him, learn his heart...

And love him.  

I can let myself fall in love again.  After all, I have all the time in the world, now. In either world...

Sesshoumaru slowly met her gaze, and locked his with hers.  In the silence that followed, the echoes of pain faded, and peace settled over him for the first time in his life, as hope, so long denied, sprang to aching life within his heart.

Walking towards her, once again, he held out his hand, and asked his question in velvet tones full of that hope.  "Will you trust me?"

And Kagome placed her hand within his, and allowed him to pull her to her feet.  "Yes.  I will trust you, Sesshoumaru.  Always I will follow where you lead."

And somewhere within her soul, and his, a smile was born.

The first they'd ever shared.

---wWw---

Voice subdued, she asked,  "Where do we go from here?  Do we need to continue seeing the past?"

Looking down at her, his eyes glowing golden with that internal smile, he said,  "I believe we do.  You may be willing to trust me, but I still want you to know it all - all of my heart.  I would have no doubts between us, miko."

Kagome nodded slowly, then looked around.  It finally settled into her mind where they were, and her brow furrowed.  

"How did you know about my home, Sesshoumaru?"  It made her heart ache a bit as she looked around.

"I simply pulled what was in your heart out."  He looked around himself.  "So this is your world.  It is... different."

"That's putting it mildly."  She snuck a glance at him from the corner of her eye.  He was so beautiful, standing beneath the goshinboku with the breeze playing with his silver moonlight locks.  As she moved to stand beside him and look up at the tree, her hair twined with his, moonlight and shadow, and they both glanced down, almost mesmerized at the sight.

"Tell me... why did you lose control?  I... didn't think you even capable of doing so, to be honest."  Her voice was soft, gentle, and she smiled at him as he turned her question over in his mind.

"Everyone has limits, Kagome.  If you never lost control, it would be because you had no emotion to begin with.  As much as I always despised being at the mercy of my emotions, I never denied that I had them.  Certainly, I tried to eradicate them... but they were always there."  He looked up at the tree, then down at the ground before them, and suddenly, Kagome realized where they were.

"Oh, my god."  She jumped back.  "I can't believe I just walked across my own grave!  How twisted is that?  Ugh!"

Sesshoumaru blinked.  "Indeed."  He didn't say anything else, but he did step back.

She turned in a big circle, tracking her gaze around the place she'd grown up, and looked longingly at the house.  She missed her mother...

He watched her closely, knowing this was not easy for her.  "Do you wish to go inside - to see her?"  He knew who she was thinking of.

Kagome thought about it for a few minutes, then shook her head sadly.  "No.  Let's just go.  I don't think I'm ready for that yet, you know?"

"Understood."  Slowly, he reached over, and took her hand, gently clasping it within his own.  "Are you ready to find more of our past?"

She met his eyes, and smiled widely.  "Yes.  Take me where you must... show me who you are now."  She tugged on his hand playfully.  "What brought out your heart, Sesshoumaru?  What made you begin to recognize that you had one?"

He looked at her, then raised his eyes to the strange horizon of her home, and said,  "Envy."

She cocked her head in confusion.  "Envy?"  She thought about it for a moment, then shook her head.  "I don't understand.  What do you mean?"

"I will show you."  He began to move, and she looked back only once as her home disappeared into the mists again.  Her eyes were now turned onto the path ahead - the path behind them no longer mattered.

The vision that appeared before her then was familiar, she immediately remembered it.  

The flat plain that Sesshoumaru had come to them on to claim Tokijiin.

I remember the sight of him, all power and grace as he came to claim what was his.

Once again, the past came alive, and she got to watch it all again as he plummeted to the ground, landing lightly and with elegance before the group.

'Should I be surprised that she is still hanging onto him?  It causes anger within me to see it.  Why does her caring for him make me hate him even more?

'Why do I... envy him?  There should be nothing that he has that I want, and yet, seeing her touch him, watching him defend her - it angers me.'

Kagome was surprised.  "You were envious of Inuyasha?  Why?"

"Because he had you - and even then, although I did not realize it, I wanted you for myself."

How could I have missed this for so long...

I was such a fool!

---wWw---

Somewhere on the other side of time, in the world of the living, a shiver ran down the spine of a young half demon, leaving him with the feeling that something precious to him had just been lost.

Kagome... where are you?  Will you still love me after all of this?