The Gray Bird by PhoenixBlade

Chapter Five (Alternate Ending)

The Gray Bird

Chapter Five (alternate ending)

by PhoenixBlade

**************************************************************************************************

Chounan- first son

**************************************************************************************************

“His name is Chounan.”

She felt his eyes turned from the sight of his son playing with the local children to look at Kagome. Her eyes remained on their son, afraid to look at Sesshoumaru in the eyes in case he disapproved of the name. After an eternity of several seconds passing between the two of them, he grunted, as if satisfied. She let out her breath, noticing that she had been holding it since she had last spoken.

“It is… a good name…” he finally said.

She relaxed a little, not a lot, but just a bit.

“I named him that, because to me, he was your first son in case-” she stopped herself from continuing on, unsure of where the conversation would lead to should she speak the taboo.

Sesshoumaru decided to finish her thoughts off, “…in case my whores bore me any children, correct? I suppose that was what you were about to say?”

Her eyes fell down to the ground and she clenched her hands tightly onto the edge of her skirt. She couldn’t face Sesshoumaru, couldn’t even speak back to him as she could so many years ago when they had first met. She had wanted to avoid this discussion, ignore it like it had never happened.

She had wanted it so that Sesshoumaru could see his son who had been born from her eternal love for him, as if they had always been a happy family that hadn’t seen each other in a long time and were happily reunited again… but fate seemed to have other plans, it always did. Would they argue and yell at each other again? Would she run off and take their son with her as she had done five years before? Would it be the first and last time that her son would be able to see his father?

“I’m… s-sorry…” she whispered as tears began to gather up in her eyes.

She felt so pathetic, even more pitiful than when she was around him before. She was weak and if he butchered their moment together, she swore she would break apart and die right then and there. Her fists and jaws clenched tightly together and as she shut her eyes tightly, her tears fell out onto the pavement at her feet.

He’s going to say it, anytime now. Kagome, you’re so weak, that’s why I left you. You’re so pathetic and ugly. You’re not worth my time…

She was ready for his onslaught of verbal abuse, or she thought she was… His words literally tore her world apart…

“You are such a weak human being, Higurashi Kagome. So puny and small, so insignificant to the world. I regret having ever slept with a wench like you…” he scoffed at her, his tone harsh and abusive.

She was overwhelmed with a depressive sinking pain, too enormous to name. The tears poured out a heavy rainfall, pitter pattering between her feet. Her heart felt like it was going to burst and she wanted to keel over and die.

“…is what you thought I would say, right?” his voice ended with softness and a weak cry to it, like a lost child searching for his mother.

Her eyes snapped open and she looked at Sesshoumaru, who was looking away from Kagome at the ground before him. His hands were clasped together tightly and she saw his Adam’s apple move up and down as if he was nervous. He closed his eyes and sighed, then turned to look at Kagome wit his whole body. She almost gasped when she got a good look at his face. His face was pale, even paler than his usual skin tone and he had dark rings around his eyes. He was probably not taking good care of his health nor sleeping well… Had he been… suffering as she did?

He opened his mouth, in attempt to say something, but stopped and turned his head away as if regretful of his decision. She had a feeling that he was going to apologize to her, but knowing how proud he was, could he even be able to do such a thing?

“…I’m sorry… for everything…” he finally said apologetically, with deep regret and remorse in his voice, “Can you… despite everything that this Sesshoumaru has ever done… Can you ever… forgive me?...”

Fate works in many ways.

She was… surprised… Dumbfounded even. The Great Sesshoumaru, apologizing to her? A mere human-being insignificant to the world?

Her heart felt like it was about to explode again, though not in sadness, but in what could have been happiness… even if a little… The man had apologized to her which was next to impossible...

...Although her heart screamed for her to forgive him, give him another chance and love him like the man she had loved once before, her mind reminded her of the pain and suffering at his hands. Could she return to a man who had wrenched out her heart and stomped it not once, but more times than she could count? Could she bear looking at his face every morning with the love and certainty that she once had, and not see the face whom perhaps many other women had seen after they had spent the night with him?

Perhaps he had changed. Perhaps he was a different man now. Perhaps he would be smarter this time around and stay faithful to her... but that hurt, that painful, sorrowful and agonizing hurt that he had put her through was to terrible to forget. Even now, she could still feel the pain clawing at her with misery trailing behind.

“Sesshoumaru...” she hesitated, not because she didn't know what to say, but trying to find words that would help make sure that she didn't end up bawling in front of him, “My heart... forgives you... but...”

His eyes widened when he heard the “but.” She saw him swallow in nervousness and fear at what she would say.

“But... my mind, my reasoning tells me, that I cannot forgive you entirely for the pain that you put me through, put us, through.”

He stopped breathing for second. Did she just...?

He turned away as she continued.

“I gave you several chances already and you threw them aside and stuck to your pride rather than to your own wife. When I needed your help the most when the Elders came to lecture me, you said nothing to defend me. Although you helped me out that one time, that was it, just that once. I was on the verge of committing suicide so many times and though I cried out to you for help, still you denied me,” she told him, tears threatening to fall.

He gulped and felt himself shaking, sinking his head into his hands. She saw tears runs down his hands onto the ground.

She inhaled deeply and let out a slow, shuddering breath to hold back the tears, “Sesshoumaru, I love you... but that's not enough. Love isn't enough for me to return to you.”

There was a moment silence before he sniffed and wiped the tears away from his eyes. He gripped his pants and looked down as he spoke to her. He didn't want her to see him so pitiful looking.

“But I've changed, Kagome! This Sesshoumaru changed, I realize now, albeit a bit late, but I know now the selfishness of my actions. I shouldn't have done that to you and I deserve death for all the hurt that I caused you, but... Kagome, I believe that I can do it this time. I can make it work, I will make it work!” he tried.

Kagome shook her head as a tear slid down her cheek. Dammit, she couldn't hold back now. Another tear slid down her other cheek as her lips trembled.

“You can promise, you can say whatever you want, but what happens if you mess up again, Sesshoumaru? How will you be able to defend yourself if the same thing happens again?”

“But I can make it work this time! I don't have much to prove to show that it won't happen again, but you have my word! This Sesshoumaru wll work as hard as he can in rebuilding our relationship as well as being the best father to our son-”

Kagome shook her head as more tears fell. Sesshoumaru clamped his mouth shut as she closed her eyes and turned away from him. His head fell back into his hands. He clenched his teeth, trying to hold back from crying out in anguish.

“I'm sorry Sesshoumaru. I love you, and I'd love it if we could go back to how things were and raise our son together... but I can't trust you on your word anymore. You can break your word just as easily as before, and though I still love you, I'm not sure our love is strong enough to make this work...”

Kagome grabbed a tissue from her bag and wiped her tears away. She sniffed, then stood up.

“Chounan! Say goodbye to your friends! We're leaving!” she shouted to him.

He whined, but Kagome was stern and set on her orders. The little boy grudingly obeyed.

Kagome turned back to Sesshoumaru, who was now slouching over, head in his heads and looking like the entire world had just abandoned him. In a way, she had been his entire world, just as he had been the same to her, but he had to know and feel the pain and anguish that she had to go through because of his foolishness.

Placing a hand gently on his head, she caressed his silky silver hair.

“I love you Sesshoumaru. I'll always love you,” she said and kissed his head before turning away to claim her son from his friends.

Sesshoumaru, realizing that this could be the final moment, the last time that he would see her and their son, wiped his tears away and jumped to his feet.

“Kagome!”

She stopped and hesitated a bit before finally turning to him. Their son looked up at her in a questioning manner and then turned his bright golden eyes to him, eyes that belonged and were true of his father's heritage.

“Will this Sess- will I ever see you two again?” he asked, tears about ready to break out again.

She was quiet. This man had hurt her more than she could have handled. Could she truly forgive him and return to see him? He held his breath as she contemplated.

“...Maybe... if fate and time will allow it... then maybe...” she replied back faintly.

She bowed slightly to him and urged her son to move along. Sesshoumaru let out a deep breath. Maybe. She said maybe... there was still a chance... a chance for them to be happy together...

“Bye bye, Mommy's Friend! See you later!” their son shouted and waved to him.

A tear slid down his cheek. He sniffed and wiped it away before waving back at the small boy.

He watched them walk off into the distance before walking back to his car. Once situated in his car, he sat back in his seat and thought back to all that had transpired. He had been an idiot for making a complete mess of their married life. He regretted everything that he had done and wanted to make amends, especially now that he knew that he had a son. He would do everything in his power to get back on his feet and be a better man so that if there was a next time, perhaps, just perhaps... they could be a family once more, a complete family... but for now, he would try to ease his aching heart and work towards recovery.

Placing a hand over his heart, he let out a shuddering sigh. All he was clinging onto now was hope, hope that he could have his wife back and watch his son grow up...

But for now, he could only hope...

**************************************************************************************************

By the Lower Mississippi

Cincinnatus Heine Miller

The king of rivers has a dolorous shore,

A dreamful dominion of cypress-trees,

A gray bird rising forever more,

And drifting away toward the Mexican seas --

A lone bird seeking for some lost mate,

So dolorous, lorn and desolate.

The shores are gray as the sands are gray;

And gray are the trees in their cloaks of moss; --

That gray bird rising and drifting away,

Slow dragging its weary long legs across --

So weary, just over the gray wood's brink;

It wearies one, body and soul to think.

These vast gray levels of cypress wood,

The gray soldiers' graves; and so, God's will --

These cypress-trees' roots are still running blood;

The smoke of battle in their mosses still --

That gray bird wearily drifting away

Was startled some long-since battle day.