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Playing Kami by Hairann


There was nothing anyone could do. No miracle, no intervention from the Kami above, no long forgotten cure suddenly remembered. Nothing would come and prevent what was about to happen. No one to take away the pain searing deeply into my very soul. No reprieve from the waves of anguish that rolled off of my body, speaking for the emotions that could not be spoken. It would end soon, all too soon and yet not soon enough depending on how you chose to look at it.

The frail, almost cold, body laying on the futon would soon enough be soulless, soon an empty shell once death had reached her cold hand out and placed it upon her brow. The latest healer in a long line had just explained this, but still the truth could not, would not be believed. Healer after healer had been brought in to find some way to save the precious life that was slowly wasting away in front of my very eyes, but each had replied in the same way 'There is nothing I can do'.

This I refused to believe. There was always something that could be done, even if only a slim chance to produce results, there just had to be something. But the healers either did not know of it or they chose to ignore it. They would just look at me with their falsified sympathy and tell me that I needed to begin preparing. That the time left was short and I should spend it with her rather than wasting it trying to find a miracle that didn't exist.

Prepare for it? How does one go about preparing for the loss of a life this precious, that had been in my life mere years. How does one ready themselves to watch as the flame of their very soul dies out and their life withers away before their very eyes. Tell me, how does one brace them self for the moment in time when they lose the only being they have ever truly loved in their long, long life? How do I steel myself against what is to come, when I lose the one thing that made my life worth living?

A mere human. That is all she is and yet she has always been so much more to me. Much more than could ever be described in words, only conveyed in emotions and actions. Ever since that first day I saw her from my perch against the tree in the middle of a forgotten forest. Since the very first time I saw her smile. Her beautiful eyes shining brightly. Since the very first time I saved her life. She has been my shining light. A brilliant glow in a sea of darkness.

So young, so full of life. So forgiving of my mistakes. Such a pure and wonderful girl. Why? Why have I been blessed with knowing and loving this creature when I myself have turned my back on her before? And yet by my side she remained for years. Always forgiving, always loving, always flashing her brilliant smiles my way. No matter my actions against her or against others, there she stood by my side. Unwavering in her loyalty to me.

Never asking for more than remaining by my side. So unlike the other humans I have met. While they are greedy and selfish, she asks for not and puts others before her self. While they stab backs and destroy the beauty of the nature around them, she gives a helping hand and laughs with her friends. While they are dirty and disgusting beings, she is pure and clean. I wonder what it is about her that makes her so different from the others but at the same time I know.

It is her soul. It is her heart. Her strength. It is just who she is. Untouched by the evils of the world around her. A bright white light when the rest have fallen to the deepest, darkest black. Even with her share, and more just for being around me, of hardships and villainous attacks she retains her cheerful outlook on life. Others would call her a weakness, but she is my strength. Over and over I am stronger just for need of protecting her.

She convulses again and it is painful to watch. Drops of perspiration cascade from her brow and the scent of salt taints the air around me. She is crying again. Or perhaps crying still. I wish to cry, to scream out my pain, but I can not show weakness. To do so would only further to give others a reason to attack me. My whole life has been not but one battle after another. And still it remains this way, only a different kind of battle, one it doesn't look like I will win.

"Leave." I growled at the pathetic excuse for a healer and watched satisfied as he rushed from the room wishing to be as far from me as he could be. I allowed myself a slight smirk in delight as the scent of his fear reaches my nose and blankets me. A gasp for breath brings my attention back to the girl laying mere feet from me. She may as well be centuries away for all I can do to help her. She tries to call my name and a drop of crimson blood runs down her jaw from the corner of her mouth.

I move quickly to her side and draw her feverish body flush against my chest. "Don't try to speak." I whisper softly into her ear, the gentleness of my voice sounding foreign to my own ears. I run my thumb across the slick trail left by her blood and remove any evidence that it was ever there. "It will be okay." I promise hating myself for lying to her but unable to bare telling her the truth. That soon I will lose her. That she soon will die.

She smiles at me. Her body racked with pain, breathing erratic, pulse rapid one moment and almost non-existent the next and yet she finds a smile amongst it all for me. Even as I lie to her, a blatant one at that, she still shows her faith in me. I know not if she believes the lie or merely wishes to make me feel better, perhaps it is both. I would not be surprised. Here she lays dieing, a slow a painful death and yet it is I that she worries about.

So many thoughts have been invading my mind of late. That there has to be something that can be done to save her. That she is too young to die. That humans are given too short of lives as it is for this to happen. That the world will be much darker if her light is extinguished. That I should have been able to protect her. Been able to prevent this. That I should be able to save her from the pain. That it shouldn't be her laying there almost lifeless on the futon. That I would rather it be me.

I would rather die a thousand deaths than have her laying there, leaning against my chest, so close I can almost feel her very soul as it begins to be pulled from her body. A thousand deaths full of torture. Slow agonizing, painful deaths. Give them to me but spare her this. Spare her this death, so undeserving of someone so pure, so young. Let me take her place, her pain, her death. Let it be me that is withering away into nothingness and not this beautiful girl.

Kami above do not take her from me. I shall die if I lose her, she is my heart, my very soul. Do not force me to live one moment in time without her by my side. Never before have I felt such pain as I do at this moment and she is still with me. I am scared of what the pain will be like when she is gone. I, who have never been afraid, not for one moment in time, I am scared to death of this. For I know it will be worse than it is now, and now it can not be described.

No words would do justice to the pain coursing through my veins at this very moment. I couldn't even begin to try to describe what it feels like to have your very heart ripped out from your chest while it still beats and pumps the blood that keeps you alive. And how would you live after? How can one live when the heart no longer beats within their chest? Kami, how can I live for one single moment if you take her from me now? Let alone the countless years that are still ahead of me?

How can I live when I already feel as though I am dieing at this very moment? Right along with her. Again she convulses and it tears my heart into shreds. She is leaving me. "Don't forget me." she pleads as another drop of her crimson blood slides out of her parted lips. I pull her tighter to my chest in silent promise to never forget her. I knew I couldn't even if I had wanted to, and I never would. Even though I knew pain was closing in on me, I would never wish to forget her.

And she smiles. Not a moment later she is gone from me. Ripped from my life just as my very heart was ripped from my chest. My eyes burn from unshed tears and even though I am alone I still can not let them fall as they beg to do. But this time it is not because others would see it as a weakness, no this time I can't because if I did I don't think I would ever be able to stop them. I suppose I should be happy that I got to see her smile one last time, but it just reminds me that I will never see them again.

"Rin." My Rin. My daughter.

Please R&R, good and bad reviews are welcome, however, I will ignore flames.[img align=left; footer=''; border=1; showfooter=1;][/img]


INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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