Desolate by Breezy

Chapter 1

I posted this on Fanfiction.net under my older username, Symphony of the Masked Faces. It was posted August 8th 2008. I may edit where I see fit but most of this will go unchanged.

My muses for this piece.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." - Henry Van Dyke

"I cannot promise very much. I give you the images I know. Lie still with me and watch. We laugh and we touch. I promise you love. Time will not take that away." -Anne Sexton

Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live. -Henry Van Dyke

Also, Lyrical Lies by Cute is What We Aim For and El Tango De Roxanne - the Moulin Rouge version.

The face in the mirror was hers. Forty eight years of war, peace, humility and love had aged her, not so much as she was unrecognizable, but just enough so the truth could be seen. Wrinkles etched themselves into her beautiful face. The long mane of what had once been midnight black hair was touched by grey; for once in her life she cursed her humanity.

Beside her, stood a being untouched by time; still maintaining the look of youth and probably would for hundreds of years. His broad back was facing her as he searched for a particular parchment.

Sesshomaru

He was her moon and she was his sun; or had been at one time. The words hurt but they were true. She would not become like Kikyo, holding back the one she loved from finding happiness with another. When her time came she would watch over him, support him in any decisions that he made. Protect him like he had protected her and their children.

He had been an enigma to her as a teen; she had watched him from a distance, tucked safely behind Inuyasha's back. He was so painfully beautiful, she was afraid of marring his perfection. Naraku's defeat had had a cost, and it had been her life. She was the only causality and she was thankful that no one else had passed on. She had woken up, sitting in a chair that did wonders for her back.

The afterlife is a strange place; it's like a waiting room. You sit down and wait till someone calls your name and directs you to what room you go to. She waited for her name to be called, for what had felt like hours. Standing, she made her way to the woman up front.

"Hello urm-"

"Kagome Higurashi" the woman stated, before dropping her quill, eyes wide and jaw ajar. "What are you still doing here? You're supposed to have been back on earth eons ago. Those rookies can never get anything done right." The woman rubbed her forehead and sighed.

"Excuse me but I-"

"Hold on a second. Janice Eulley- purgatory for you." The woman called out before turning her attention back to Kagome "What are you still doing here!? Oh you must not know where to go. The first door on the left- oh and please, no screaming." Turning away from her, the woman continued to call out names and directions. Moving to the left, she grasped the knob and turned it. Taking a step into the pitch dark room, she gasped and covered her mouth when she found the floor was gone from underneath her. The wind tickled her ears and sent her hair flying and she spiraled down. She could make out trees in the distance and she gulped. If she hadn't died then, she would surely die now. Yet as she awaited the impact, nothing happened. Opening her eyes, she was falling through the trees; yet there was not one bruise or cut on her. She could make out a couple of figures, one in fire red, Inuyasha of course and a few others. Sango, Miroku, Shippo, Kirara, Kouga, Myoga, Rin and...Sesshomaru? She could hear them now, sobbing, waiting for a miracle. Sesshomaru stood apart from the crowd, over her still body, sword out. As if sensing a disturbance, he looked up and caught her eye. Staring at each other, Kagome wondered if he could actually see her or if he could tell where the energy was.

"She is coming." The three words caught every beings attention as they waited anxiously. Aligning herself so she would fall back into her body, Kagome yelped when she felt the coldness that had settled in her bones. As if she had been underwater and couldn't hold her breath any longer, she lurched forward and gasped for air. Choruses of "Kagome" were shouted before she was engorged in a massive group of embraces. Hanyou, human and demon arms encircled her, all shouting something. Looking into the distance, Sesshomaru stood alone, sheathing his sword. Catching his eye, she smiled and mouthed 'thank you.' Nodding he called Rin and turned away from her; moving swiftly from the scene. A stab of something akin to sadness overwhelmed her and she found herself lurching forward and shouting "no." The arms around her withdrew themselves and they stared at her, several pairs of eyes in confusion and two in understanding.

"It seems Sesshomaru-sama that like Rin, after reviving Kagome she has already formed an emotional attachment to you." Miroku stated wisely to which Myouga nodded as if to confirm the statement. From that moment Kagome was sentenced to an emotional rollercoaster. Here she was 32 years later, mated to a once bitter cold taiyoukai. Here she was, each day she lost a grain in the sands of time. Here she was, after four children, the most powerful priestess that had ever lived and she was dying. The truth was a bitter pill to swallow and she was torn between letting Sesshomaru go after her death or maintaining a vendetta against him for moving on and finding another. Neither was pleasing but she didn't dwell on it for very long. She would make the decision when the time came.

But he's making it for you

Quieting the thoughts, she rubbed her eyes before placing her face in her hands. It was true. Even though he had told her he would never love another like he loved her; he never said he wouldn't find someone else...or even love someone just slightly less than he loved her. She had not been allowed to go to gatherings after she turned 39; the "reason" being that after going to so many parties they were the same repetitive nonsense and that she should watch over the children and start overseeing the details of the house. They were lies. She always took care of the children, never once using a nanny unless there was a gathering in which it was inappropriate for them to come. She had always made sure the house was running smoothly; in the mornings and afternoons she would ask the maid Annette for a status report. Every day it was the same, not one thing wrong. People were too afraid of making mistakes in the Taiyoukai of the West, Sesshomaru-sama's pristine home. She accepted the duties and the consequences; after losing argument after argument with Sesshomaru. What else could she do?

At 46, more troubles had arisen. Rumors of another woman had swirled throughout the castle and into her ears. Kagome never believed them, for rumors always went around, never amounting to anything. She had brushed them off until the Feast of Light, a celebration held ironically at night in honor of some important event. Kagome hadn't been able to go, despite it being held in the darkness of the courtyard, lit by fireflies and lamps. It was a beautiful feast filled with beautiful beings; their aura's swirling and creating a painting in the sky. The females were dressed in expensive gowns, the men in all their regalia. She had tried spotting familiar faces and saw some of the ladies she used to have tea with on Wednesdays. Where was Sesshomaru? Scouting the crowds she saw him in the distance; his broad back to her. Turning around as if sensing a stare on him, Kagome ducked out of habit, but not before seeing the female glued to his side.

It felt as if she had been punched in the stomach; she choked on the air in her lungs and fell to her knees. Bare toes scraping against the cold marble floors, she risked another look and peeked out the window. This time they were on the dance floor, the female laughed, her head thrown back, as she was spun. A demoness, a beautiful one at that. She was all gold and radiance. Jealousy clawed at the back of her throat. The demoness was easily more beautiful than her. She had golden hair that looked like spun silk and skin the color of ivory. She was wrapped in a dazzling dress the shade of honey. She embodied frail beauty and Kagome knew that she would be the one who Sesshomaru would take when she was gone. She could tell from the way she caught his lips moving constantly, that they had been talking and knew he had said more than normal 10 words to her. She watched as the hand that lay a little too far down her waist tighten in a flirting manner. As if sensing Kagome's hate, the beautiful woman caught her gaze; eyes widening in embarrassment and shame. Sesshomaru, as if noticing that the woman's attention wasn't directed on him anymore, followed her eyes to Kagome. Freezing, he dropped his hand from the girl's waist. "Maybe this is a misunderstanding" Kagome told herself as she continued to stare at the pair and they stared at her. "Then why does he look like you caught him in the act of cheating and why does she look ashamed? Come on Kagome, you know it's true." As if accepting the truth, the hate for the girl wavered. Gut wrenching depression replaced the hate and she turned around so they did not see her tears. Drawing the curtains, she moved from the window to the entrance door. She contemplated locking it but knew it would not hold Sesshomaru back if he had the nerve to come and see her. Moving from the door, she sat in front of her vanity; picking up her brush and combing through her thick locks.

She was getting older.

Disgusted, she covered the mirror in front of her with a dress. She continued to comb her hair, unfazed when the door opened and the familiar presence entered. Not even blinking when she felt him behind her; she moved to a different section of hair, each stroke keeping her feelings at bay. It was when he removed the dress from the mirror and settled his hands on her shoulders did she flinch. He stilled when she did. Ignoring his hands, she stood up and went into the dressing room; slipping off her simple dress and throwing on her nightdress. Coming back into the bedroom she was only partially shocked when he was still there. Acting as if he wasn't there, she pulled back the sheet and slipped into bed. With her back facing him, she pulled the sheet up to her neck as she traditionally did before blowing out the candle, letting the room be engulfed by darkness.

"Kagome" he whispered. The sound of her name of his lips was almost enough to break her, until she remembered her anger. She was going to turn around and yell at him when she decided no words were better. "Kagome" he repeated, now angry. Feeling the bed shift as he sat on it, she almost exploded when he touched her.

"Don't touch me." The words sounded weird on her lips. Hearing a menacing growl, she sighed. "Don't touch me unless you want to. I don't need sympathy; I don't need to be coddled."

"Is that what you really think?" His tone was indifferent.

"Go back to the party Sesshomaru. The guests are waiting and...so is she." There, I said it.

"You dare give me orders?" She knew he was trying to avoid the subject by getting her into an argument but she wasn't falling for it tonight.

"I don't have it in me to fight with you tonight." Full of swirling emotions, she turned to him. "Haven't I been good to you? Haven't I done everything you've asked me to do? Haven't I been everything you asked me to be? I rarely go outside past the gardens. I do not go to feasts and celebrations with you or anyone else. I take care of the house; I endure all the taunts, jokes about me, the humiliation and embarrassment. The only joys I have are my children...and you; soon those will be gone too. I have asked so little of you; couldn't you do me justice by waiting?" The tears she had been hiding behind her fortress of anger were welling up in her eyes and she hated herself for it.

"Don't be foolish. What are you babbling about now?"

"I'm aging Sesshomaru, soon I will die and there is nothing you can do about it. All I wanted was for you to wait, wait till I was 6 feet in the ground before searching for another, but it seems that you are early."

"Don't be a fool, you are my mate. You are the one I chose."

"The one you chose for now. But after I die, what will you do? The people need a lady; I can't be there from the grave." He didn't say a word. "Promise me you won't take another while I am alive." Getting up, he skimmed his finger across her shoulder before leaving the room. "You didn't promise." She whispered, knowing he could hear her. She waited till the morning to cry; she didn't want the guests to hear.

The feasts and celebrations continued and so did the sightings of the golden haired girl. Kagome learned her name was Vivienne and that she was as captivating in person as she was from a distance. She had yet to run into the demoness although she spent most her time around the castle. Sesshomaru ran a tight shift and made sure that they didn't run into each other. What Kagome learned about the girl was told from Annette... and the children. At first she was furious that Sesshomaru had the nerve to do such a thing but she gave in knowing they would still be young when she died and that they would need caring for.

"Kagome" Breaking out of her thoughts, she looked up at the one she had fallen in love with all those years ago. She knew it was herself who was holding him back from claiming Vivienne. She knew it was herself who was risking shaming Sesshomaru because of her love for him. She knew she was the reason why there were so many questions. He was waiting for her okay; he was waiting for her consent. He knew she would be shaming herself by downgrading down to a second mate. There wouldn't be any repercussions for him because she was human and she was as insignificant as a fly on the wall. Plus they were mated for less than a hundred years; they weren't even close to fifty. Their life together would seem like a day to another demon. He deserved a mate who wouldn't shame him, wouldn't grow old before him. A mate who wouldn't have to stay inside because she was such a disgrace. There wouldn't be any rumors going around, only tales of how her beauty was so great. He was waiting for her word.

Let him go.

This time she agreed with the voice. "Claim her Sesshomaru. You don't have to wait." Pausing, he looked at her and weighted her words. There was not hint of doubt, of deceit of dishonesty. Closing the distance between them, he intertwined his fingers with hers.

"You will still be happy as a second mate. I will not treat you ill." But the people and demons will. Soon she would become nothing more than a minor detail. She would live in the shadows and she would do it without regrets, simply because she loved him. She gave him her life, her body, her power, her dignity and he would replace her. She wanted to shout, she wanted to take back her word.

You're half dead; what does it matter if he doesn't waits?

Nodding to the terms, he released her hands and made his way out of the room, to find Vivienne. Standing up, she felt the world crashing against her. Moving to the bed, she curled herself onto it and waited. No more than an hour later, cheers and shouts echoed throughout the castle. Talk of the new lady sprang through the halls and to the different lands, soon the familiar sounds of trumpets announced different lords, coming with gifts to congratulate the two. But not everyone was happy.

"Let me see her you bastard" The familiar voice brought tears to her eyes. "I swear if you touched one hair on her head I'll make sure both your arms don't grow back for another 600 years. Can't touch that wench with no arms." Kicking down the door, Inuyasha jumped in and as soon as he spotted Kagome, swooped her into his arms. Hugging him as if he would disappear if she let go, she felt a wave of something akin to contentment.

"Kagome" he whispered into her ear. Hearing a growl from behind the two, Kagome stiffed and Inuyasha cursed.

"You bastard" he yelled, positioning himself for an attack. "You made her your second mate, knowing she'd be treated like a fucking leper? You don't deserve to die from my father's sword. At least he waited till your mom was dead." He spit out. Sesshomaru's eyes, tinged with red began to consume him and she knew that he would kill Inuyasha if slighted one more time.

"Inuyasha stop" Kagome called out, getting up from her seat. She felt like she was 16 again, stopping a fight between Kouga and Inuyasha. "I chose to become a second mate."

"Why?" He asked and Sesshomaru stopped, as if curious to hear the answer too.

"I just wanted him to be happy."

"By sacrificing yourself? You really haven't changed...stupid wench." She laughed.

"Go home Inuyasha, I'm sure everyone in the village is worried about you. Everything is fine, I promise." Not giving him a chance to say anything else, she hugged him before pushing him out of the room. Hearing him mutter and curse, he stormed off. Giggling, she walked back into the room, realizing Sesshomaru was still there.

"Is there anything you need my lord?" she was no longer first mate. She could not address him by his name any longer. He scowled.

"You are being moved to a new room in the east wing." The wing that housed artifacts and secrets older than Sesshomaru. She was being moved into a dusty, empty, room, on the dusty, empty wing of the house, with all the other dusty, empty things that resided there. Far away from the children, far away from everything that was familiar to her. He was taking away every part of her in the house and storing it away under centuries of dust. 'You don't belong here anymore' she told herself. She knew it was true; she should have left with Inuyasha, she should have stayed dead all those years ago. But her love had blinded her, blinded her so well that even when she had been shown the light she was convinced she was still in the dark. She couldn't leave but no one wanted her to stay. 'Think of the children Kagome... the children who will still be children when your long dead. The children whose memory of you would be overshadowed by Vivienne, a woman who could take them outside, could play around with them without having to worry about getting a few scratches. They wont forget you... but neither will they try to remember you. You are alone." The truth unsettled her more than the news of her movement.

"Yes my lord." Watching him turn away, she walked into the bathroom, the only place she could have some semblance of privacy now that the door of the bedroom had been broken. Vivienne would be moved here, once everything that had smelled, looked or even been near her possessions was removed. Stripping off her clothes, she slid into the warm bath and sighed. She felt a chill run down her back and dipped her head under the water; reveling in its heat. Coming back up, she found the chill stronger, so strong it sent goose bumps from her arms to her legs. Diving under, she smiled as the heat enveloped her in its embrace. It stroked her skin and caressed her lips with all of the sweetness Sesshomaru had possessed once. It beckoned her, moved her further down. The heat wrapped around her, starting from her toes and made its way, teasing her flesh. She didn't think, didn't see, and didn't feel anything past the heat.

Just a little bit closer.

She was almost there and a happiness that rivaled the fist time she and Sesshomaru had made love filled her. A little bit more and there it was. Cold arms wrapped around her and pulled her from the warmth. Cradled in arms that had once held her throughout the night; she smiled into the burning red eyes of the one she had loved her whole life. She had been blind for so long.

She laughed and the world spun.

 She was 16 again, her body on the grass; tickling her thigh. She was being pulled from her body; each limb grew heavy and cold. Her body was so heavy, heavier than she could carry.

So leave your body.

The idea sounded as close to perfect as one could get. She was lighter than air, lighter than a feather, so light she found herself lifting off the ground. Looking around, she saw the silhouettes of her friends, her family, her children and she saw Sesshomaru. He stood out from the rest; holding a body; her body, forty eight years and sagging. He didn't look at her, he looked at the body in his hands as if it were important. 'You didn't love me enough' she screamed. 'You could've said no. You could've been with me till the last breath. You had so much time.' She screamed until she coughed up the water stuck in her lungs. 'You could've bared the shame. You could've waited. You had the time. You had the time.' she whispered. Turning her head away from him, she rose, rose till she touched the very highest leaf of the highest tree. She rose and touched the clouds. She rose and felt the wind consume her. She rose until there was nothing except brilliant sparks. She closed her eyes and then there was only light.

I don't know how this came to be. I wanted a story where things just don't work out in the end. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you will review and let me know what you think. Below is an extensive authors note. Please read if you have any lingering questions, are bored and want something to read or feel complaints toward characters. If you still have questions, please contact me via reviews. Thank you so much!

Sassycatattack

Authors Note(s):

I want to clear up some points, though 48 isn't particularly old and decrepit; Kagome was supposed to acknowledge that she was getting older and that she couldn't stop it. She, who was so powerful and married another powerful being couldn't stop the very basic, inevitable fact about human life. She constantly thought about whether she should let Sesshomaru go or make him stay with her and only her. She wanted to be able to let him live normally without her but she didn't want to be replaced when she was still living. Eventually she does let up on him and decides it is okay for him to mate Vivienne but she dies before he is able to. Whether her death is a suicide or an accident caused by a hallucination or even murder, no one knows- I don't. Each case has its own doubts; the only thing I know was that she did not leave that bathroom alive.

I didn't want Kagome to be a weak, hopeless woman but I believe around a great amount of people have a breaking point. When you have something to live for or to achieve, your will to live strengthens. Yet, Kagome feels like she has nothing left. Sesshomaru though he loves her in his own way will have another to spend his years with. Even if Kagome tried to fight for him and did manage to be with him she would only be where she started. She would still die. Even if Vivienne wasn't there, who can say that Kagome was going to die that day regardless of what happened? The segment on her children, felt terrible to write but in a way it is true. Though they may remember her, they would have more memories with Vivienne than with Kagome. Inuyasha loves Kagome but he has duties that would send him places that Kagome wouldn't be able to go. Plus I'm pretty sure that Sesshomaru would come back to collect Kagome. Though she is his second mate, it would be shameful for him if she went off with another. For consistency, Miroku, Sango and Shippo are not featured for a reason. Miroku and Sango are, if not significantly then slightly older than Kagome. They wouldn't be in the condition to travel all the way there and back. It is very likely that they do not hear from Kagome very often and Sango is bitter and angry at Kagome for her distance. Shippo is off learning about his heritage and trying to increase his abilities. When you believe you are truly alone and no one would care if you were there or not; you willpower is greatly decreased.

Why is Kagome so obedient? In a way she isn't. She didn't agree with a lot of things that Sesshomaru said/did. There were plenty of things that she said no to, I just didn't incorporate much of that into this piece. Plus, there are some things you do not question. When involving a powerful lords ego; it is a dangerous game to play and you must choose wisely. She is careful.

Rin is married off.

Yes Kagome and Sesshomaru do love each other. He is a bit more stoic in this piece though.

Whether he is marrying Vivienne for love or to keep his land with a lady and he with a mate is a mystery. I'd like to think he loves Kagome and is only doing what he needs to do in order to keep peace within his rule; but his hands were a little too comfortable on Vivienne.

Vivienne is actually a very sweet, submissive little thing. She is not mean spirited or anything. I feel that at times, the correlation between Kagome and Vivienne seemed much like Katherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn. There is little correlation but if you have read The Queen's Fool by Philipa Gregory (it is very good by the way) or even The Other Boleyn Girl the agony that Katherine and her daughter experience is on a level similar to Kagome's. I guess I should add them to my muses he he.

The last paragraphs are kind of like hallucinations.

I was thinking of sending Kagome back to the afterlife where she would be reincarnated into an immortal but I thought it'd be kind of cheesy. I always want a happy ending.

Kagome by far did not have an easy rule. Many loved her but there were just as many who did not like her. For instance demons who felt Sesshomaru was above a human and humans who thought Kagome abandoned them for demons. They had to show their power and did so through conquests; though Kagome hated doing so. Though as soon as she earned respect, she was sentenced to staying inside for the majority of the time. Yes I know that 39 isn't really old; he started to confine her when the once subtle changes became slightly more visible. Because she was confined without a reason being given; questions were asked and rumors spread. Once Sesshomaru started paying attention to Vivienne those rumors increased and her whole reputation began to crumble.

Second mates back in the days of Sesshomaru's father, were not treated very badly. It is a little taboo around Sesshomaru's time to take second mates. Usually they are first mates that's husbands got tired of and found someone else they "loved." Back then second mates took orders from first mates and took care of the children. During Sesshomaru's time however; second mates were treated badly by first mates and their lackeys. Mostly because of jealousy. Soon the role of a second mate was considered lowly. You were seen as unsatisfactory and not as much of a woman if you couldn't hold onto your man.

Yes, Sesshomaru's mother became a 'second mate' after Inuyasha's mother came along. Though Sesshomaru's mother died before Inuyasha's mother became an official first mate; in death she was referred to as the second mate.

My version of the afterlife was based on a story I wrote outside of fan fiction. I threw it in; it was the only remotely comedic thing about this piece. The whole soul falling back to the body was based on the song 'Soul Meets Body' by Deathcab For Cutie. The video involved a bunch of aspects of nature and though my vision of the forest matches more from the show than the song; it gave me an image.

I have no idea what the heat was. It came to me out of nowhere and I used it.

Thank you if you have read all of this. It wasn't necessary but I felt it would help out people with questions. Again please review and let me know what you think. Love you all.

Sassy Cat Attack