Transparent by Ley

Different

WARNING: TRANSGENDER FTM KAGOME. 

Kagome was different. Not because kagome had traveled through time or fought demons. Kagome was different because Kagome hated herself. With each year Kagome's awareness of how uncomfortable she was with her body grew.

Kagome didn't have a boyfriend. She said it was because of her feelings for Inuyasha. It was convenient and kept people from prying too much.

At age 19 Kagome had chalked it up to feeling ugly and not being appreciated enough. So Kagome found someone who appreciated her. At 19 Kagome had lost her virginity to a sweet handsome man who thought the world of her. But still Kagome felt empty. Every time Kagome looked in the mirror she saw a young woman with soft curves, thick thighs and medium sized breasts. Every time Kagome looked the image was disgusting. She hated it. At 19 Kagome had broken someone's heart and cut off any friends she had in the present.

At 20 Kagome had found a stash of pictures of her father. Her mother had kept them hidden away to avoid causing hurt. Dark black hair, strong cheekbones and jaw. He was tall and sturdily built. His eyes were sharp and lighter than her own. Vaguely Kagome remembered wanting to be just like her father. She told him so many times. He had laughed and found it to be cute. He always encouraged her. Kagome had always regretted not telling him what she had really wanted to say. Kagome a small photo of her father that her mother wouldn't notice missing.

Kagome secretly had always been jealous. She had been jealous of her father. When he passed and Souta was born, Kagome became jealous of him. She hardly interacted with him more than necessary. In school she had been jealous of male students. When one of them was being a bully rage swelled up in her. How dare he? How dare he pick on someone when he was so fortunate? She firmly put any male bullies in the ground. After Kagome fell down the well she became jealous of Inuyasha and then even Miroku. They had what she had always deeply desired even if it was subconscious.

Kagome hated to be called anything other than Kagome. She told people often. She despised being called Kagome-Chan. She despised being called Kagome-Oneesan. She despised being called miko, wench, bitch, girl or woman. She really hated with everything in her to be called a woman.

Occasionally Kagome would cry her heart out. Why was she so strange? Why did her body disturb her? Why couldn't she be a proud woman? Why did she hate her soft features, her breasts and her vagina? Why did she hate being a her? Why did it hurt every time someone referred to her as her?

At 20 Kagome had stopped going into the past. The jewel was incomplete, but she did not care. The jewel had sunken into her body without question and there it remained. Kagome couldn't return there like she was. Kagome had taken Inuyasha’s necklace so he no longer was allowed to pass through.

It was extremely selfish, but Kagome couldn't go on like this. Kagome had finally started to research her condition. Kagome had gone through Webpage after webpage. She was scared and she had cried more often than usual. Part of her didn't want this. She had already disgraced her family by barely passing high school, not attending University and being unemployed. Would she dare do more? What would people say? Her poor... Poor mother. What would she think? Would she disown her? Would she scream? Would she hate her?

At 20 Kagome's mother had been noticing the decline in Kagome's socialization with anyone. Kagome no longer tried to speak or interact. Kagome had started to work a full time and part time job. She was hardly ever home and when she was she kept to herself. Before her Mother could confront her she had found the websites Kagome had been looking at. Kagome had forgotten to erase her history. A few days later her mother had picked up a call from Kagome's doctor.

At 20 Kagome came home after work to a quiet house. Her mother sat patiently at the dinner table. There was a stern look on her mother's face. Panic started to rise in Kagome's chest. She turned to leave until her mother called her name.

At twenty this is where Kagome stood ready to run faster than she had from any demon. “How long Kagome?” Kun-Loon’s voice was soft yet stern. Kagome simply pulled a smile and scratched her neck.

“Er…. How long what? I always get off work around this time.” She was feigning innocence as she set down her things. Kagome watched as the woman she called mama shook her head.

“Don't pretend to be dumb Kagome. How long did you think you could hide this from me? Your doctor called. I know what you have been doing.” Bile began to rise in Kagome's stomach. Her hands quivered softly.

Kagome was the most afraid she had ever been in her entire life. More afraid than she had been when she faced Naraku. More afraid then all of those times she had almost been killed, wounded or cut by blades. Kun-Loon the woman who had been her mother looked her straight in the eyes. Kagome could not find her voice. Kun-Loon just sighed deeply.

“I don't understand what you have been feeling. I don't want to. But I cannot help you if you hide things from me. I will only ask one more time Kagome. How long have you been on testosterone?”

Kagome’s stomach rolled but a answer had finally found a way out of her. “A week.” Kun-Loon got out of her seat and walked towards her. The atmosphere was heavy and suffocating. Kagome made no effort to move. Whatever Kun-Loon decided to do to her she deserved. Kun-Loon pulled Kagome into a hug tight hug.

“My sweet Kagome… I am so sorry. How did I not know? I’ve failed you. When your Father told me his suspensions I dismissed them. My poor boy… You’ve been alone all this time. I thought it was fighting in the past that was dragging you down. But it was me… I should have known.” Kagome listened to her mom sob as she held her.

“You couldn't have known. I hardly understand it myself.” The word boy had made Kagome feel so warm and amazing. She cried the first tears of joy she had in years.

“T-thank you mom, thank you so much.”

“Kagome.. I will love you no matter what. But your Grandpa… He won't understand. Souta he’ll learn to accept that you are his older brother. But your grandpa… He's already having a hard time.” Kagome clenched his small hands together in a ball.

“Mama… I know. That's why I chose not to say anything. This has been the only home Grandpa has ever known. It would kill him if he found out.” Kagome worried for her Grandpa most of all. He had been having trouble getting around and was growing weaker by the day. Kun-Loon rubbed Kagome’s back soothingly.

“I think you should go stay with your Aunt Hanae and Uncle Naoki. They have been wanting you to visit for some time.” Kagome crinkled his nose curiously. There was definitely something suspicious about this. His Dad’s family had kept to themselves. Kagome had only seen them at the funeral. Kun-Loon sighed in defeat. Kagome's intuition was sharp as his father's.

“They would like for you to take over the family business. Your Aunt Hanae can't have children. So naturally you or Souta are next in line. But Souta is too young.”

Kagome’s shoulders were tense. “I don't mind… But are they going to freak out because I’m transgender?” Kun-Loon didn't seem surprised by the question. Kagome never had the opportunity to connect with his father's family.

“They already know and don't mind. If you are willing to take over the business they said they would cover any medical, academic and living expenses.” Kagome bit his lip and toyed with the hem of his shirt. It was too tempting; too good to be true.

“I’m almost afraid to ask what sort of business this is.” Kun-Loon hummed softly.

“It's nothing you can't handle. If I didn't think you could do it I wouldn't have said anything. Just think about it and let me know what you decide in the morning.”

Kagome nervously licked his lips. This was a huge decision. But not having to pay for the treatment and doctor’s visits would be amazing. Kagome may even be able to look the into surgery he heard about, but never considered it an option because of the cost.

“Thanks Mama. It means so much to me.” Kun-Loon smiled and kissed her sweet boy on the forehead.

“I’m going to pick up your grandpa. Souta is staying with a friend tonight. Dinner's almost ready, but I would appreciate it if you would cook the rice.” Kagome nodded silently. The thought of the changes he desperately desired actually being a possibility made excitement bubble in him like nothing else. He would definitely do whatever it took to make his dream a reality.

 

INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000
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