hmm...many are addressing the same problems and I do not want to add to the list but you really need to consider getting a beta. Please try to find someone who is not overly kind that they will let the typos, grammar and puncuation problems go without fixing. I think for your first fic and your age that this is a pretty good start. You seem to really want to please the readers that is why these sites have good betas that you may ask to help to make your fic fun and easy to read. I know with practice you will become a fine writer. Just don't give.

dat was a good chap:) please update soon XD

that was sooo cute i like your neice all ready i think you have inmproved alot in the past 4 chaapters of this story i hope you will write more soon tell your neice she did a good job writing

Other than some spelling problems ( in which no one is perfect)and a few grammer, I really like it so far. I look forward to reading more of the chapters as I find time! I have seen in other stories where a chapter or two might run off the page and you cannot see all of the words of a line, but yours is no where near as bad as I have seen. Barely cuts off. Anyways, I look forward to more!

Okies, chapter two was muc harder to read. The ends of all the lines were cut off really bad. So I had to imagine what you would of written by going off the rest of the line. I do not know if that can be helped or not since I have seen that problem throughout andom chapters of other fics. Other wise it was pretty good.

hahaha, your little niece is so cute! My going on four year old does stuff like that since he knows his letters and how to spell some words. He is always saying hello to my friends online. lol. Anyways, i am looing forward to chapter five, there better be a chapter five.....:)

**frustrated sigh** i can't read this...not that it's bad, i literally can't read this... i saw the same thing in another fic, your lines are being cut off, u need to edit it, some1 told me it's because of separater lines in the text or something... meh, i just can't read half of a fic and not wonder what the rest of your sentences are saying

thx for editing ur chapters! *^_^* the story seems great...although i can't believe i spent time reading the 'random' chapter, heh

interesting so far... im not sure if it's just my computer but a lot of the words on the right margin get cut off

that was good i can't belive this is your first fic you have to write more soon i love it

The premise of your story is fine. There were several spelling and grammatical errors. (I believe damb is actually spelled damn.) I am also not sure if vampires have tails. You might want to re-write this chapter and fix the errors and possible questionable lines. I am not trying to offer anything more than constructive criticism. Again, it is good for a first attempt. I am not a writer, I am just a reader.