| Great job!! Reads much better but still has your voice behind it!  It's much more detailed and the characters are fuller and more fleshed out. I just went through and cleaned up the chapter. I tried to not restate suggestions but just fixed up some grammatical errors.  Just a quick tutorial though, lol. I separated each specific correction into a section separated by ------------ that. If there are multiple errors that need the same corrections they will be in the same section, just located on a different line. The corrections for each section are notated with a *. 
 
 
 
 "wear magnificent pearls, splendid clothes, and pretty shoes." *Delete Comma --------------------------------- "What's frustrating is I have to be all of those people." *Insert Comma --------------------------- It’s sad because people tend to ridicule half-breeds, they tend to loathe them so much. *Repeated word ------------------------------ he really hates half-breed *breeds --------------------------- mate a powerful lord also he keeps telling me that I am  *Insert period after "lord"; Capitalize "Also" -------------------------- She was a captive of a youkai and she was a priestess they did it and I was conceived *Insert Comma ----------------------------- "Your sire will be so angry." Ah Chen mumbled "I won't mate for his politics." I said, crossing my hands  I'm just 16 years of age." I said childishly mating age, my lady." She said in  Alright." She said, a smile  Heh." I laugh *Change period into a comma -------------------------------- Guards, Let us escort our Lady *Uncapitalize --------------------------------- Ah Chen!!!" I screams and run as fast as *scream -------------------------- I hear butler Li shout. *Capitalize    
 | Keep it coming.    
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