I'm sorry but I had trouble following this story, it jumped around so much I couldn't find the plot at all. I would recommend going back over this and giving it some major TLC, maybe even get a beta to help you. There is the potential for a great story here, and with some work it will shine for all its worth.

Sorry Kat, but this story is too hard to follow and I would really recommend going back over this chapter before continuing this story.  You're missing puncuation, the alinment is messed up and is splitting apart paragraphs.  I would recommend getting yourself a beta and going over this chapter a few more times with them to help catch the mistakes.  I think this could turn out to be a pretty decent story with a bit of TLC.

a good start! watch your grammar, and fillout your chapters a little more - not with volume but with content. You've got good quality stuff here, just make sure you dont loose that when you fill it out, but a little more content would help the reader feel more involved with the story. You are doing an amazing job. Awesome first chapter.

You have caught my attention with the first chapter, there are a few grammatical erros and like Dragoness said...if corrected it would make the story flow easier for readers and it would make this story shine. I would like to read more from this story to see where you take it.

This got me the very first chapter.  I am really curious about what happens next and hope you update soon.  One thing I would like to point out is that you have a few gramatical and spelling errors that detracted from the story itself.  I found myself getting lost and having to go back to try and understand what you meant a couple of times.  For example:

        A)   she sneered and was about to change the channel when a figure in the crowed caught his attention there was no mistaking this person it was Him his half brother  there was no mistacking thoses puppu dog ears, he to was watching that same Miko with a look of lust and desire.

Instead you could say:

       B) He sneered and was about to change the channel when a figure in the crowd caught his attention.  It was Him, his half brother, there was no mistaking the puppy dog ears.  He to was watching that same Miko with a look of lust and desire.

This is just a suggestion.  The story really is nice and I really want to see what happens next. So, overall great job.